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Table of Contents

Introduction

1.      I Face Certain Death

2.      I Am Bracing Myself

3.      I Think

4.      I Accept Responsibility

5.      I Understand My Community

6.      I See the Whole Church

7.      I Know Church Takes Work

8.      I Understand Touch

9.      I Am Learning to Read People

10.      I Am Learning to Understand People

11.      I Understand the Boundaries

12.      I Tune My Receptors

13.      I Follow the Pattern

14.      I Expect It to Take Time

15.      I Work the Moments

16.      I Go First

17.      I Start Something

18.      I Remember Names

19.      I Come With Joy

20.      I Have Focus on Sunday

21.      I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 1)

22.      I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 2)

23.      I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 3)

24.      I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 4)

25.      I Pray Conversations Into Being

26.      I Bring People to Jesus

27.      I Am a Sponsor

28.      I Want to Grow

29.      I Need to Get Better

30.      I Wrestle With Fear

31.      I Am Willing to Give It Up

32.      I Am Learning Simple Techniques

33.      I Have a Check List

34.      I Can Imagine

About the Author

Introduction

I never knew it was true for most of my church life. Most strangers get ignored when they show up at church for the first time. The other thing that I have found out since, is that most church leaders don’t believe that is true at their church.

Wendy and I visited the church of some good friends who were in that category of those who believed their church was friendly to newcomers. It happened that we showed up on a special Fall kick off Sunday. The church had a big tent set up out of sight from the parking lot. There was no signage to redirect us so we walked into the building. One lady explained to Wendy that the meeting was in the tent around the back but not much more.

We went to sit in the tent. We ran the gauntlet of three somewhat awkward greeters handing out bulletins and found our own chairs. Nobody came to talk to us.*

We did the turn around and shake hands with people because of the “we are a friendly church” thing. Smiles. Greetings. Handshakes. Sit. Announcement that we were all welcome to stay for the church barbecue afterwards.

At the end of the meeting Wendy was eager to go over and talk with the pastor’s wife. I stood in my place for at least five minutes and nobody came up to me to talk. When Wendy returned to me we both walked out of the tent to wend our way slowly through the maze of chatting people, salad tables, chairs and barbecues. We made it to the car without one attempt at a conversation.

Our friends were shocked when they heard this story afterward. They had no idea.

The people of the church were certainly not snobby nor did they turn away from us. They just didn’t even see us. They were looking for their friends and using their capacity for selective awareness. To see how this works go to You Tube and search for “Basketball Awareness Test.” And then you can click away at other videos with awareness tests. There is a sense in which this selective attention is natural.

It is a good thing that we have the sense of warmth in our hearts when we see the friends we know. We naturally look for those familiar friendly faces.

But what if someone comes to your church party without coming on the arm of a sponsor or advocate? There are several different kinds of people who might do that. For the purposes of this book we are going to call them strangers. In the book, “See You Next Week” we call them newcomers or guests. These people aren’t strange; they are just unknown to us. Just like Wendy and I were to the people of our friend’s church.

The title of this book could be “Why Talk to Strangers in Church?” a good portion of what you read will address that part of the issue. I have come to see that most church people don’t realize how important this is. It is difficult to teach someone how to do something if they don’t know it matters.

This book starts with the more general understanding of how church life works and how that relates to new people coming to your church. Then it moves to the more personal side of how to relate to people at the outset. Then as we come down the homestretch we get practical and answer the exact question implied in the title. This is not a book about the official systems and roles you need in your church. They too are important and a good portion of “See You Next Week” trains an eye on those issues because they too are important.

The primary application of the principles included here is focused on how your church people behave before and after the main meeting of your church where you draw the largest crowd. That is usually a Sunday morning service. But you will see application to every avenue of church life.

Every chapter title starts with the personal pronoun “I.” That is because if you go to church everything here applies to you directly. You don’t have to be appointed by anyone to make this work. If you can set a pace and encourage others to read and apply this understanding and these practical suggestions, you can change your church with or without a license to do so. The less formal your position in the church the better. You see elders, deacons, ushers, teachers, welcome center people and others with appointed roles on a given Sunday are expected to be friendly. But what counts are the people who are friendly just because they want to be—not because they have been appointed to be nice.

You have the capacity limited by the human brain to carry on a relationship with about 150 people in your life. That must account for family, friends, associates from work, clubs or teams and neighbors as well as the people you know from church. Probably that leaves you with about 60 slots in your head for church people. I have never attended a church with more than 50 people in the room where anybody other than perhaps the pastor knows everyone in the room. The thing is that as soon as I point that out, many people start to hang their heads and feel guilty. Crazy! You wouldn’t feel guilty if I asked if you could slam dunk a basketball. You probably can’t do that. And you probably can’t know everyone in the room. The more people there are in the room the smaller the proportion of those you know. Honestly, that is okay. You are normal.

I am a defender of pastors. So, let me at it for a bit as we start. The more church people expect pastors to be the superstar and know everyone, the less effective the church can be. That is because your church is just like every other church. Your church is a body. Every part is important. (1 Corinthians 12:12-27) When the church people think they can leave the personal work to the pastor two things often happen. Result #1. The pastor pushes back on the premise and resentment builds. Disaster. Result #2. The pastor tries to carry on a relationship with everyone. When that happens, he pushes people out of his brain. No time left for friends; no time left for neighbors; no time left for relatives. Ultimately and so sadly—you have heard this story before—no time for children and no time for spouse. Disaster. None of us want either disaster. And by no means am I condoning laziness or isolation on the part of the pastor. Church responsibilities easily fill time that others have for family. Attending church events is part of the work for pastors but there are no alternative times to do what families normally do. Pastors work weekends while the rest of the world tends to get weekends off. So, when are the pastors supposed to go golfing etc.? The answer is in the shared responsibility of every church member who build helping relationships with a few.

It all starts with the first greeting. Get that right and the rest is much more likely to flow as the body builds itself up.

Now, let’s get started!

* Wendy and I were greeted by the three pastors and their wives because we have a friendly prior relationship with them.

1.

I Face Certain Death

If the doctor says, “I suggest you take this prescription,” it has a very different effect than if the doctor says, “If you don’t take this prescription you are going to die.” You already know you are going to die someday but you probably aren’t in too big a hurry to get to that day so you will pay close attention!

In regards to this book I am going to be so bold as to say, “If you don’t take this prescription, your church is in grave danger of dying!” To be perfectly clear, this book is not about the only thing that will slowly poison your church to death—what a distasteful thought that is! We don’t like to think about it but thousands of churches in North America die every year. The good news is that the prescription here could prevent many if not most of those deaths.

Slowly almost imperceptibly over time churches die. There are many reasons but generally speaking they are not self-recognized. “Nobody” in the dying church wants it to die. “Everybody” has a suggestion of what to do to keep it from dying. But the solutions suggested are usually just band-aid solutions. They aren’t bad but they don’t get at the core issues.

In many churches, the core issue is that the church is out of touch with something or someone. Since the church is the eternal people business, the out of touch element is failing to put people first and letting everything else follow.

The Bible is the ultimate people reclaiming book. Of all the direct commands in the New Testament 53% of them teach us how to relate to people. About 37% teach us how to deal with ourselves. Surprisingly for many, only about 10% have to do with our relationship with God. In the category of the commands relating to people only about 3% deal with family matters and the rest deal with how to relate to people in the family of God (32%) and those outside the family of God (18%). If you would like some resources on this analysis email me and I will send them to you. The overarching single command about how to manage the people part of things is contained in the oft repeated word “love.” Love is something you do. First and foremost, love is something you do with the family of believers—not something you just feel but action-oriented love. “Do everything in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:15) Plan it. Do it. Don’t just feel it.

There is a prime link between how we deal with insiders and outsiders. When the outsiders take a chance and come in to visit they must see love in the house. The love they look for first is the action oriented love Christians have for one another. Then secondarily they do a quick evaluation of whether or not they would be welcomed into that loving circle. The outsider almost always sees the evidence that they might be rejected before they notice the evidence that would suggest that maybe they could be welcomed in.

Do you grasp that? If you attend to the existing relationships first you will give evidence to the newcomer that maybe they are not important to you as a group. Therefore, you must bend over backward to make them feel like they could belong. This isn’t just about making them feel welcomed. It is so much more. You must know how to get the conversations off on the right foot to overcome their hesitations.

Churches pay way too much attention to something in priority over someone. Have you witnessed this? Straightening chairs takes precedence over talking to people. Doing sound checks takes precedence over even noticing people. Even making the coffee takes precedence. You probably spend more money on your heat and air conditioning than you invest in training people how to demonstrate love.

Not much good happens until somebody says something to somebody else. Rushing off to attend to something is easily taken by the newcomer as evidence that something is more important than somebody.

Your church will die if somebody doesn’t talk to somebody else in the right way at the right time. There is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Churches die when they talk to people the wrong way.

Your church is in grave danger of dying over time if the people on the inside—all the people not just the key people—don’t learn how to talk to people on the inside and the outside and on the way in. There isn’t much teaching on how to do this. But this short book is a start.

Before we move on I want to tell you a story. This past Sunday my wife and I attended a church where nobody knew us. Ultimately there were about 200 people in attendance. That is a rather large church believe it or not. They seemed to have some energy happening among themselves. Four people talked to us. The first lady said a nice hello. But her first sentence was “What is your name?” Then she asked, “Are you on vacation in the area? We don’t get many visitors.” The next man—a nice older gatekeeper type—came and greeted us in our empty pew. The pew was full by the time the service got going in full force. His first words were, “What is your name?” He never offered his. Nobody else in the pew even smiled at us—we were strangers you see. Then on the way out after the service another lady reached out to shake hands and asked, “What is your name?” She never offered her name, nor did she have anything else to say. We got to the door and the pastor with a warm smile asked—you guessed it, “What is your name?” And he never offered his name. We would have to have guessed because there were two pastors named in small print on the front of the bulletin. There they were, right on a main street with people buzzing on by and the building full of people chatting up a storm with one another. If we had moved into an apartment down the street we would be looking for a different church for next week or worse no church at all.

If they knew they needed help, I could help them. But I expect there is something else more important to them. I suspect because of the multi-ethnic feel in the church that their people were bringing friends from their own subculture. Good. Really good. However, if they don’t reach a representative portion of the people around the church with convenient physical access, they will die off over time. That is, they will die off if they don’t see the need to change and then implement that change.

This book gives you exact steps about how to change a church by talking to strangers more effectively. That is part of the overall prescription. The other parts of the prescription are contained in other books in this series. I will stand by what I have said, “If you don’t take this prescription, your church is in grave danger of dying!”

2.

I Am Bracing Myself

I expect I am about to challenge the beliefs of many of my readers. You might be one who does not like what I have to say at first but I am totally confident you will like it if you hang in there until the last. Relax. You can have your old attitude back if you like when we are done.

This is a book about you personally. You are the solution. If I can get you to see how important it is that you engage people in a certain way and at certain times you can make a measurable difference in your church. I want you to polish your thinking and then make micro changes in your behavior. That’s all. Just little changes. These changes are not difficult in theory; however, if you don’t know what you are up against they may prove difficult in practice. So, I must lay some groundwork first. This groundwork may not seem relevant at first but it is. I promise exact simple things you can do that will radically change your personal life and the lives of others you meet. Be patient with me; I will get there. There are solutions but first we must understand the problems and that might seem negative at first.

The first potential challenge is your belief about the nature of your church as it is right now. Of course, I don’t know your church because I am not a part of it. I have observed that even when I am a fully engaged member or even pastor of a church I seldom get to know it well even in a couple of years. I expect you are the same. However, I have invested face time in perhaps as many as a thousand churches over my lifetime and have formed some generalizations you might find challenging.

I ask you to suspend your beliefs about your church just for a while and consider what I must say before you resist too much.

The second category of challenge is more personal. It has to do with what you believe about yourself. That change of your ideas about yourself might be the most challenging and the most fruitful at the same time. All this is going to be a battle for you and I want to explain why.

We all have resistant minds. You might have just said to yourself, “Not me!” That of course proves the point. Resistance is a good thing when it should be applied and a bad thing when it shouldn’t. The trick is to know the difference.

Here’s how it works. One researcher (Solomon Asch) demonstrated that 35-75% of people are willing to conform to an incorrect assessment of reality. He could get a large proportion of individuals to line up with his research accomplices in a room to agree to something that is factually incorrect by actual physical measurement. In simple but overstated terms, most people will agree that black is white if all the others in the group say so.

I will argue that it is probable your church is unfriendly to newcomers but if most of the people around you in your church don’t believe that, you are likely to agree with the people around you against any evidence to the contrary.

I will tell you that as an individual you are probably not as friendly as you think you are. That will seem like an accusation and probably make you feel uncomfortable. Some will actually put this book down because it is too painful to continue. That is a reality that makes me very sad because so much is at stake.

However, I will also assert that if we all remain the same we will never change. If the facts indicate that something needs to change then we must find what to change. I am very sure we are prone to changing things that don’t matter as much as we think they do and neglect the things that matter the most. I want to show you how to change some of the things that matter more than you know. But I must get you to resist some of your desire to resist first!

Your power to resist actually starts with chemicals in your brain and not with facts as you might presume. This activity in the Amygdala (the part of your brain I am referring to) can be seen with MRI scanning. You will experience more psychological pain and emotional discomfort if you resist group pressure. We all want to be correct. And at the same time, we all want to be in alignment with the group. It is easier for us to observe when others conform but we don’t see how much we do so as well. But when the power of unanimity is broken by even one it seriously diminishes the power of the group conformity.

That might be a little heady but the outcome is this. If one person changes what they believe despite what the rest think and despite finding themselves in the uncomfortable position of being “the odd man out” there is the potential to change the group. That power to change a group works in many ways and places in life. All change in group dynamics starts with one person who influences a small group. That small group can change everything. The most prominent anthropologist of her generation was Margaret Mead. Anthropologists study how people groups work. She concluded this, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” Jesus changed his world through twelve. And now there are a multitude who continue to follow that change.

Almost every time I talk to a pastor about his church in relation to the thesis of this book he listens carefully and nods agreement. I often tell him that most pastors tell me their church is the exception but I have yet to find a church that even comes close to being friendly with newcomers. Toward the end of the conversation he then tells me that his church is in fact the exception. Often I have attended that church and found it to be warm and engaging amongst the insiders but I have been ignored as an outsider. Herein is the problem; the self-diagnosis does not match up with reality. Please! At least grant the possibility that such a self-diagnosis does not comport with reality.

You personally may have the power to change your church if you choose to. You have even more power to do so if you are in an official role. But sad to say if too many others resist the positive change you embody the church won’t change. On the other side, if you can gather a small group of others who buck the culture of your church you can change it if in fact it needs to be changed.

3.

I Think

How you presently evaluate your church has a lot to do with how well you will do in the future as a church. You in the previous sentence could be a collective “you”, a personal “you” or a leadership “you”, couldn’t it? We should consider all three.

Individual “You”

“You” as an individual may or may not be a person of influence in your church. Chances are you don’t think you have as much influence as others may think you have. Pastors are often frustrated because there seems to be a ubiquitous “they” who resist. Board members often can’t get others on the board to agree their ideas should take precedence. They too are frustrated. Individual participants and members in the church feel weightless when they find few to listen to their concerns.

I have visited churches where one person sticks out because they are the self-appointed or even officially appointed one who flits around attempting to pump up the atmosphere. They have about as much influence on the overall state of the church as the geeky teenage boy doing all the things he can think of to get the attention of the girls. The girls giggle and avoid eye contact with him as they lean toward each other.

Try as one might, one person who isn’t followed can’t change much about a church. But all is not lost. If in the context we are discussing or any other context for that matter, an individual can recruit allies. One person at a time is how you recruit allies. You may have to have a dozen tentative recruitment conversations before you find one key ally. Your church has about three key influencers. They are the people who others will look to when the chips are down. They may be hiding on a temporary basis until certain winds blow over but the insiders know who others look to. Find those key influencers and have a conversation to find out if the changes you see as necessary resonate with them. If you can find an ally in one key influencer you are on your way.

Leadership “You”

Now let’s talk more about the “you” of leadership. The people who lead the church may or may not be officially elected or appointed leaders. Where the real leaders allow puppets to hold the official positions the church has a deep leadership problem. Theoretically when the real leaders are the official leaders everything has the potential of moving forward smoothly. It is all too rare that a church is in this condition. One of the ways to move to this condition, as a crusty deacon in my younger years said, is to get “new blood” into the church. The thing is, he had no idea how one would do that. His concept was something akin to dragging new people into church almost against their will. That didn’t go so well. And I never figured out what was going on. By accident the little country church doubled in size in the three years we were there. Looking back on it, I can see that by accident a few of us led in the way I intend to describe as we go along. In short, we lead by example. Let me hasten to add my deacon friend and I weren’t at the vanguard of that leadership.

Collective “You”

The most important “you” in the discussion is the collective “you” of the church. This is hard to describe with precision. The word culture may be the best word to capture it.

If the collective “you” evaluates the church as a happening place, and it is that place, you are on your way. However, if the collective “you” thinks the church is doing well but others on the fringe or outside don’t share that evaluation, the church will continue to flounder. If there is a prior commitment to keeping things the way they are and that way is essentially unresponsive to new people, there will be little readiness to adapt a new way of behaving.

“Groupthink” is a word applied to the mode of thinking that persons engage in when thinking the same becomes so dominant in a cohesive group of insiders that it tends to override realistic appraisal of what is really going on. When the groupthink of the church is less than effective in any way it will take some effort to make a change. If the groupthink of the church is that the church is doing very well as it is, it will tend to stay the same. There will be blind conformity. The higher the individual’s personal self-esteem—and I do mean true self-esteem not just a churchy mask—the more that individual has the potential to inject change.

Three Dimensions

All three “you’s” have to get on board in the following three dimensions as each play their part. Two out of three won’t do. It won’t matter how enthusiastic the people on the platform are if the people in the pew don’t follow the lead. Conversely, if the people on the platform are sullen and uninspired it will seem strange if some in the crowd try to pump up the three dimensions.

Atmosphere

I learned when I was in high school that the greatest excitement in me about my Christian life was generated by the context of the others around me. When the church has generated a warm friendly atmosphere, like a happy family reunion, others are glad to be a part of it. Before the curtain rises on the first act, as it were, the crowd must be in their seats positively anticipating as the event begins. Showing up late is a terrible thing to do because it kills the atmosphere. Yes, some are wincing because they know how late people can be. Don’t be one of them.

Purpose

Framing the meeting as a positive and uplifting event is crucial. Be purposeful by stating the reason you are gathering early in the meeting. Be specific and talk about how you expect people to respond. Always point toward the application you want people to adopt. Let that newcomer or the person who is feeling insecure in your presence know that they are not going to be forced into any action along the way.

Energy

The energy everyone brings into the room is noticed by all. If things are too sleepy and slow the participants get bored. Avoid reading things that can be simply spoken from the heart. If the energy seems forced, it makes the newcomer wonder if you are weird. People need to enjoy their participation believing it is relevant to their lives. Be who you are at your most energized.

When the group pressing for positive change has higher status in the church it is more probable that the church will change. Those “in the know” exert a tremendous amount of powerful influence over others. Therefore, the change from less friendly to more friendly with entry level people starts with the thoughts, actions and words of one person. That one person over time must enlist the support of others. The more influential those others are, the better. Actual behavioral change must start with a small group of influencers. Their positive influence will spread. Before you finish reading this book you will have covered the exact steps you need to take.

4.

I Accept Responsibility

You are always thinking even when you try to let your mind go blank. What you think is educated by many forces in your life of the past and in the present. If you keep on thinking the way you have been thinking you will keep on living the way you have been living. Maybe that needs to change. You will be the final judge in that matter. The question is, will you accept responsibility to adjust your thinking where appropriate?

We all want to fit in. When someone arrives at your church for the first time they are wearing a big invisible sign that asks, “Do I Fit In Here?” If you tell them the answer is that they do fit, they may or may not believe you. They will do their own evaluation, thank you very much.

When you are in a group you act like the group and think like the group whether you know it or not. You don’t think about it; you just do it. Churches are very often guilty of groupthink. They might be blinded by the evaluation of a few or by ill-placed optimism. If a dissenter says to the group, they think the church is unfriendly to new people they might be met with indignation. It is common to blame the lack of connection on the new person. “They have to take the initiative and speak to people too you know! It is not our fault.”

It has never failed—and I do mean never—that when I get the opportunity to talk to a group of insiders in a church, someone in the group verifies this lack of friendliness was their experience as they were breaking in to the church. I hear stories of people wending their way through people chatting up a storm in a church lobby and reaching the door without one conversation for months. On the other hand, when a newcomer comes in, is accepted and becomes known, they report how friendly the church is. Those who are not noticed wander away and the church never learns how rejected or ignored they felt because they never hear the story.

You will be just like the others around you if you don’t come to the party with a different set of rules. You will leave it up to others to make the necessary changes if you don’t take charge of your own soul and set the pace for the others. You don’t consciously know all the rules but you live by them. For example, when someone knocks on your door at home you behave in a certain way. If you have a security camera and don’t know who is knocking you might just pretend you don’t hear their knock. If someone just grabs the door knob and walks in, they had better be in a select group of people or you will be offended. If they knock on the door you must decide if you are going to invite them in. If they just push their way in you will react negatively. There are rules.

The thing is that you know the rules at your church. Newcomers don’t know the rules. You know who parks where. Newcomers don’t know. You know which door is the most convenient. Newcomers don’t know that. In fact, many churches have three pairs of doors at the front and only unlock one pair. The newcomer is left to guess is it door number 1, 2 or 3? If they guess wrong, they think everyone else approaching the door is watching and laughing at them. You know where the washrooms are. You know where and when to sit and stand. You know when to speak out and when to keep silent. It is a very long list. You know it. Strangers don’t. You know how to feel as you approach the door. If you love your church meetings you feel some excitement in your body. Every stranger feels negative stress reactions. The stranger might look relaxed but they have a knot in their gut. Every time. Ask if they do and most of the time they won’t admit it to themselves let alone you. But later, when they think about it they will remember how hard it was to get out of the car and approach the building.

If you find this hard to believe, try this exercise. Go to a mosque, synagogue, gurdwara or temple at the stated meeting time and just walk in. You don’t know the rules and procedures. You don’t know if you are welcome there. You don’t know if you fit. Remember you too have an invisible sign you are wearing, “Do I Fit In Here?” Meet the same Muslim, Jew, Sikh or Hindu as your neighbor and you will almost always find them warm and friendly. Going to their collective meeting place is quite another matter. Why would you expect that unchurched person coming to your church should feel any different than you would going to a strange place of worship?

If you are ever going to understand that new person in church, you must start with the understanding that you don’t know their whole story. You don’t know their inner dialogue. You don’t know their history. You don’t know what they are looking for. So, don’t presume you know. If you ask someone what they are looking for they might not know or might not tell you directly. The only safe thing you can know for sure is they come to your meeting knowing they are going to get some “God Stuff”—that is, your version of “God Stuff.” More than anything else they need true “God Stuff” but they may not know it nor have any idea what that stuff is. On the other hand, they might just be coming in to check to see if you have the “God Stuff” right. Some come just to assure compliance. They are the self-appointed “God Stuff” police. Some come just to prove that your version of “God Stuff” is weak, inferior or totally inaccurate. The good news is that most aren’t on those extreme edges.

Strangers arrive on your doorstep with different needs and wants. Most arrive knowing you want to inform them but they typically feel the need to belong much more than the need to be informed at the start. There is nothing you can do to give them all the information in the first encounter. You can only refer to the most important things. The Holy Spirit can take one phrase or sentence and etch it on a willing heart. That will get things started. Once things get started it is your job to keep them coming back for more.

You must think about what you should think. More accurately, you must learn to think what you should think. You must be willing to change the way you think if you come to the understanding that change is in order. There are outsiders ready to respond to you when you greet them with love. They won’t notice peeling paint if all they see is appealing love.

5.

I Understand My Community

There will always be turnover in your community. It follows there will always be turnover in your church. And it may just happen much faster than you know.

Let’s start with the community. You can get the actual facts from the census material for your community. It is common for 14% of the people living in a community to be living at a different address than a year ago. This is shocking to most. Some cities may have greater turnover and smaller communities often have less. Communities that are adding new housing change even more by adding an even greater number of people.

Look what happens by this chart.

Homes or People

100

100

100

Annual Turn Rate

14%

10%

5%

Year 1

86

90

95

Year 2

74

81

90

Year 3

64

73

86

Year 4

55

66

81

Year 5

47

59

77

Year 6

40

53

74

Year 7

35

48

70

Year 8

30

43

66

Year 9

26

39

63

Year 10

22

35

60

Let’s break it down. Say there are 100 homes on your street. It is probable that a year from now 14 of those homes will be occupied by different people. So, that means, of your original 100 neighbors 86 will remain after one year. In five years that will be down to 47 of the same neighbors and in ten years you will be down to 22. You may become one of the ones who moved away.

Your church is likely more resistant to that rate of change. Church going people appear to move less often. But your church will probably lose 5% or more every year via the moving van.

If you don’t have a regular means and habit of replacing people you will be out of business soon! Just multiply the 100 by whatever is suitable for your community and church. A community of 10,000 people will have about 860 moves in a year. About half of them will be within the same community but about half will come from other places—even other lands. If 6% of them are theologically aligned with you and are looking for a church, they are likely to visit your church if they can find you. So if half of the 860 movers are from somewhere else at least 6% of them are looking for a new church. In other words, you should expect those 25 families to check you out. You might draw from 100,000 people and so you could expect 250 visiting families who are already aligned with your theology to consider a transfer to your church. It is a fact that bigger churches get more of these visits than smaller churches. Small churches need to work harder at outreach to keep pace. Check out my book “Drop By Sometime” for a totally cost free, effective, simple way to do this.

Do much more than meet them at the door and you will be surprised at how many new people you engage. We are not focusing on recycling saints. But if we don’t capture their interest we will never win the true stranger. We can consider our efforts on these current churchgoers as practice for the lost people around us. Don’t forget those new churchgoers in town all have new jobs, new neighbors, new friends and perhaps even other relatives they can enthusiastically touch with the message of your church.

Everyone brings a network of others they know when they walk through the door of the church. That shy little girl who comes for the first time with a friend is important. She is going to say something about her church experience when she gets home. Give her something good to talk about! Nobody who comes to your church for the first time comes alone in that sense. They have other family, friends, relatives and associates from various places who could benefit from becoming a part of your church. You may know about the theory of “six degrees of separation.” If not, Google it.

A church with an attendance of 25 usually has about 50 people who say that church is their church home. A church that has two visitors a week on average can add about 30 to its number in a year if they treat those visitors properly. Even the smallest church can learn the skills necessary to achieve this.

Those new people in town I referenced earlier live beside somebody. They work beside somebody else. If they have children, they go to school beside even other people. They buy items from the stores in the community. They find a new doctor and dentist. The list goes on. Surely somebody in your church touches one or more of the people in that new household do they not? And even if they don’t have a natural connection there are actions to take. At the minimum you can notice a “Sold!” sign having been removed from a lawn. You can knock on their door with a gift bag from your church. One out of about ten of those new residents will accept an invitation to your church and will come with you if you pick them up. If they meet new friends in your church on the first Sunday, they will likely come back for a second taste. If they come once your job is to get them back twice.

There is another interesting fact about community turnover. Again, the percentages depend on the community but the raw fact is the same. Of the people who are age 50 and over community turnover is not an average of 14%; it is around 5%. But in the 20s age group the turnover is in the range of 30%. This guarantees that your younger adults will slip away quickly as they move on in life. The community will have an influx of younger adults to replace them. But if those new replacements visit your church and all the young adults have moved away they are less likely to stay. Those in their 20s and 30s come with children and you must account for them. If you don’t have a children’s ministry you won’t have children. If you do have a children’s ministry even for a few, you have the potential of adding more children. More children mean more younger adults. The group you must notice the most on the way in are the young adults. You will have to think about the ways to engage them. Create incentives to give them reasons to stay. Their first impulse will be to look for people who are like themselves. With expanded hospitality, you can make friends with them no matter how old you are as a church.

Most people never notice a new face in church because they are looking for the friendly faces they already know. Lift up your eyes and see the white fields Jesus talked about! (John 4:34-38) Don’t do it because the pastor says you must; do it because the Master expects it of you!

Are you starting to see how important talking to strangers in church is? To paraphrase Plutarch, your mind is not a vessel that needs filling but wood that needs igniting. My job is to get your mind ignited with how important this subject is to the long-term health and even existence of your church.

6.

I See the Whole Church

Any church that is only a Sunday morning experience with people on a platform and people in pews who respond to those on the platform is an impoverished church. Granted some people will see it that way no matter what you say to the contrary. This lack of total participation is illustrated in the financial giving in church. I have never seen your church books but I can tell you that about 80% of the giving in your church comes from about 20% of the people. If you are above average, you might get to 70/30 but not much further. The other interesting part is that the bottom 20% give less than the cost of a hamburger a week. This isn’t right but it isn’t something to try to police either. While we might measure financial participation of the people in church there are other ways to understand their participation.

As a participatory model this is what a church looks like. I would suggest your church already looks like this in some measure even though you may not have formalized it.

Church = Celebration + Congregation + Cell + Coach

That equation without the concept of Coach was originally promoted by C. Peter Wagner (1930-2016).

Celebration

Celebration is the element of church that most people think is the church. These are the events when we gather the whole church for worship. We construct our buildings to accommodate this main meeting. Without question we should maximize its impact but never give in to the illusion it is the only place of impact. The few minutes before and after the formal meeting are the most important for the stranger who comes into your meeting. The stranger may not know that but you should. In those minutes, you get to encourage the new person to return and when appropriate take a deeper dive into the church life.

Congregation

Congregation is the term we use in this equation for a specific portion or segment of the church. Such meetings or events could be content-based, needs-based or demographic-based meetings. They may occur weekly, on a regular basis or as one-time events. In a larger church this might be 50 women and in a small church it could be a half dozen men. Think of these as entry level events that give the opportunity for a new friend to take another by the hand and draw them deeper into participation. Celebration feeds Congregation where initial steps are taken to form relationships.

Cell

Cell refers to small group settings. A Cell event occurs when a defined group of people intended for 6 to 12 people meet. Small groups are a key vehicle for learning, life change, spiritual growth and accountability and/or service. In this context, this term also applies to committees or teams that lead other elements of church life. You will find that your best long term relationships usually form because you serve on a team with others. The more dangerous and deep the foxhole you fight from, the deeper and more meaningful the relationships. Don’t think “Bible Study”—as important as that is; think “Tie that binds.” The old hymn said it well, “Blessed be the tie that binds / our hearts in Christian love / the fellowship of kindred minds is like to that above. We share our mutual woes / Our mutual burdens bear / And often for each other flows / The sympathizing tear.” Folks! That was published in 1792. There is nothing new here. Congregations are the seedbed out of which Cells should grow. Any newcomer can join your team to help weed the gardens of your church. Invite them to do something simple like that along with the few others in that Cell.

Coach

Coach in this context refers to personal life-on-life encounters for the purpose of one person working with another (or perhaps a couple or household) to create a clear path for training, personal development, counseling, support or service. Sometimes the Coach flows out of the Cell and at other times the Coach works from the ground up to get the individual fully engaged at all four levels. (Celebration, Congregation, Cell, Coach)

Every church should work in all four areas. Everyone and especially every adult should be involved in all four ways. This is hard to accomplish if people simply don’t want to participate. However, if we are ever going to move more people closer to the Lord we won’t do it with sermons alone.

Another reality hits. If most people won’t give the church more than Sunday morning, we must make the best of what we have to work with. We have a responsibility to fit in worship, service, fellowship, teaching and evangelism. It is hard to fit it all into one hour or an hour and a half. And it is impossible to fit it all into a meeting where people sit in rows and leaders edutain (entertain and educate) from the front.

The church is likely to operate like a funnel on the four participation elements or environments of Celebration, Congregation, Cell and Coach. Fewer and fewer people will participate by moving through the funnel. However, bear in mind several factors. You can only move people down your funnel if you try. You can only move people down the funnel as you encourage them one person at a time to avail themselves of the next opportunity. Not everyone will move with you. There is not much you can do if they choose to stay away. It won’t help to yell at them! Then, to think in terms of church leadership, management and governance, invert the funnel. The Coaches at the top must be the examples and should be the leaders in every ministry. If all the leaders don’t strive to live by the plan, then are they leaders?

Now here is a big factor. When one person hears a personal enthusiastic encouragement from two or three others they are likely to pay more attention. Do what you can to get people to talk up the participation events beyond your Celebration. The person who says “No thank you” to the first invitation will become more and more open when others who are unconnected also invite them. Those on the committee may receive less positive response than the general participants. Teach all your participants the importance of talking to others.

Another big factor with all this is that new people are more likely to adopt new behaviors in a bundle than the people who have been around for a long time. So, you can sneak up on the old timers by inviting the new people to take advantage of all four participation levels. If you invite them, some will give your other levels of engagement a solid chance. You can’t push anyone anywhere they don’t want to go. But you can get more involvement by talking to more people and giving them personal attention.

When you meet a stranger at the front door of the church your people must become a well-tuned family to quietly, gently and informally move people forward in all areas. Not all will respond but all can be given the offer.

7.

I Know Church Takes Work

Church is not a playground but a battleground. Going to church on Sunday used to be more or less automatic for many. But it was never easy. Even at the best of times most people in North American society chose something else to do on Sunday morning. However, acknowledging that many never attended church in the past, today church attendance is dropping rather rapidly. It is even more difficult today than in bygone eras.

Here are the Canadian facts.

Only 13-19% of Canada’s population say they attend religions observance weekly. And of course, we know they are all wearing a halo when they answer the pollster. So in reality the score is lower.

On the other hand, 60% of Canadians now say they never attend. One would guess these people are telling the truth.

Of the people who say they are affiliated with an evangelical church 40% say they attend weekly.

The definition of evangelical we will work with has four pillars. Bear in mind that not everyone who says they are evangelical attend a church that claims to be evangelical or attend church at all. For the purposes of the research an evangelical is one who says they believe the Bible and that salvation is through the cross of Christ. They say personal conversion is necessary and that there is an activist agenda that must be followed to do what Jesus wants. Activist in this sense includes missions and evangelism.

In the general Canadian population 6% of the people polled are strongly aligned with these four values; 7% are moderately aligned; 40% unaligned.

Of those who state they attend an evangelical church only 40% are personally strongly aligned to the four values.

Is that shocking? Of the people who attend your public services it is likely that only 4 out of 10 adults agree with what your evangelical church teaches.

Is it safe to say we are losing in the battleground because we have too many characteristics of the playground?

In the playground, we cooperate and take turns on the swings. It is mildly irritating if there is a swing hog but we usually don’t come to fisticuffs. In the battleground, we don’t consume our time with personal pleasure; we serve the King.

The Bible says we are soldiers. Soldiers don’t do things they feel like doing. They do the work required of them. They don’t evaluate the battle plan they execute it. They don’t opt in and out of the day’s work as a soldier based on personal preference or convenience. They do what the commanding officer requires.

Where shall we begin? To move from playground to battleground we must make a change. But how?

One person at a time. People change slowly as grace and truth are applied gently over time. To apply that grace and truth they need to be in the room with someone who can help them get and apply the truth in a graceful way. If they are there 40% of the time it is like eating 40% of the meals available. That is a recipe for emaciation.

Way back in the day Pierre Burton wrote a book about churches in Canada called “The Comfortable Pew.” It was a thoughtful critique of non-evangelical churches. Smugly we read and agreed. We assessed their losses were due to elements like their theology and placing too much emphasis on externals. What we failed to realize was that the thicker the padding we put on our own pews the more comfortable church life became. We sought to take care of the cosmetics without realizing that we were losing our grip on true Christlikeness. Sacrifice became a dirty word even if a necessary concept for the few. We substituted the concept of going out to reach people with the concept of attracting people. Thicken the padding and they will come. Not.

The churches with the thicker padding on the pew—and please understand that is just a metaphor—are the ones believers flock to. Churches find it easier to draw people from other churches than from the unchurched community. The larger the church the more capacity it has to do things to attract people. That is not all bad until you think it is all the good we need. Bigger churches struggle with passivity. Small churches intuitively realize that everyone must help make the church succeed. The small church doesn’t have the womb to tomb programming. It often lacks the contemporary media toys. The list of what a small church hasn’t got is long. However, research indicates that the large church in Canada claims to win one new convert each year for every 50 in attendance. The small church claims to win one new convert each year for every 15 in attendance.

Hmmm? Who is telling the truth? Probably both are equally accurate. Therefore, if our major measurement is how many people we move from hell to heaven then that small church is doing a better job on a comparative basis. Here is a way to explain it. A church of 500 adds 10 new converts while 10 churches of 50 add over 30. So, you wonder if that can be true when your eyes tell you otherwise. The big churches are collector churches. They collect people from the feeder churches which are smaller. Just ask that small church pastor and you will find that someone they converted recently said, “Thank you so very much. However, my family needs the full services provided by the exciting big church so we are leaving you. We hope you don’t mind. But we have to put the needs of our family first.”

Am I suggesting we send in the denominational police and break up the bigger churches into smaller ones? No never! Some big churches are as effective as the average smaller churches and some smaller churches are as ineffective as the average large churches. What I am suggesting is that we need bigger Christians not bigger churches. When we have bigger Christians in churches large and small we will see much more conversion growth in both.

One reason why smaller churches win more people on average is that when a newcomer arrives on their scene they are more noticeable and more likely to be welcomed in some appropriate way. The “woman at the well” shows up in both places. How you treat her is what counts. She may slip in and out easier if you aren’t looking for her. The bigger the church the harder she is to notice because most of the newcomers are already initiated, at least to some degree, in the ways of churches and are more likely to find their way in on their own. Besides if all they are looking for is a Sunday morning experience then the big church is likely to be more appealing on the surface.

Your church takes hard work. But it is not that hard to talk to a stranger. It all starts with a simple greeting. And then follow along and I will teach you how to take the conversation further.

8.

I Understand Touch

In the previous chapter, we covered participation in church from the perspective of how we can best organize people and move them into the various engagement levels our church offers. There is a different way to view participation in church.

As you think about the 4 Cs of participation you will recognize that each succeeding level has a different expectation about how much self-disclosure is expected. The stranger usually comes to you with what I will call a “Low Touch” expectation. That means they seldom want to delve into all the reasoning about why they are coming to church in the first place. There are “High Touch” expectations we will get to as well but for now let’s agree that the two words “Low” and “High” describe two different end points on a continuum, not fixed categories.

Some churches believe they are attracting large numbers of unchurched people when in fact many of the new people have church experience they are not ready to disclose. There are many different scenarios which might come to light very slowly.

Often the story of the church they left goes unexplained because things did not end well there. Perhaps there was a conflict with others in the church. People often leave churches when they disagree with where the church is going or how the leaders there are operating. People leave a church when they feel their viewpoints or behaviors are not accepted. They were hurt by somebody or some decision. They might even use the word abused which may or may not be accurate. Basically, they were told to get in line. This could be a sincere effort at correction that is taken as uncalled for or misdirected. When they arrive at your threshold they are determined to leave that story behind. In fact, they could have been at another church for a period of years where it did not end well for one reason or another. Some may tell you about the church they were part of before the recent church where they had their bad experience. It is often the case that the person who is new to you dropped away from their last church several months before they come to you and thus feel they are justified in describing themselves as unchurched. People leave one church because they are unhappy with someone or something. They arrive at the next church—in the case we are talking about—your church with a fresh smile but deep scars.

It is extremely hard when a person is deliberately or inadvertently squeezed out of one church and comes to another. There could be an underlying moral failure that is known by some or all. There could be an effort at correction by church discipline. There might be a marriage breakdown. There might be drug or alcohol problems. Maybe it is a dismissal from employment with some accusation of fraud or exploitation. Perhaps there are sexual abuse accusations founded or unfounded. The key is you won’t know. They will only come to you if they are confident you don’t know nor are likely to find out. When that person arrives in your church they are unlikely to want you to know the whole story. They will come to you very guarded. Even if by nature they have been emotionally outgoing and warm or “High Touch” they choose you because they believe that in your context they can be “Low Touch” for now at least. So, on the “Touch Continuum” they belong in one place by nature and by current life circumstances belong in another. They often come to you with an internal unspoken contract with themselves that they aren’t going to spill their guts.

When you realize that everyone has a different set of current needs you realize that you can’t move people too quickly. If you attempt to do so they might bolt. So, don’t poke and pry. It could be that you have genuine interest and not lurid curiosity but it might not be seen that way, so you must be careful. In other cases, a person might not intend to tell their story but find themselves blurting it out and then never return because they don’t want to handle the follow up for one reason or another. There are reasons why people don’t want to move through your funnel. But if they won’t move they will have their excuse. All excuses are equal. If someone doesn’t want to come to your small group, they might tell you they are too busy which is a standard excuse. They might tell you the location is too far from their home and when you offer a site right next door to their home they come up with another excuse. They might say they are allergic to cats or whatever. It doesn’t matter what reason they use; exposing their lack of reasonableness won’t help. One excuse will serve as well as any other. Over time the excuses may melt away if you can keep them coming back to participate at the level they are willing to engage.

So, you have four quadrants. Draw a square and divide it into four quadrants.

1. Low Touch Programs—Low Touch People

The top left quadrant is for Low Touch Programs and Low Touch People. Low Touch Programs are perfect for Low Touch People. Low Touch people will often tell you they are private people. You can have the lights all on the platform and leave the people anonymous in the dark. But if you tell them participation is voluntary don’t expect them to sing at the top of their lungs.

2. Low Touch Programs—High Touch People

The top right quadrant is for Low Touch Programs and High Touch People. High Touch people want a place where they can be more expressive and won’t find a Low Touch program satisfactory. Such High Touch people can be so expressive they irritate others in some cases. You see so far this only talks about Low Touch Programs.

3. High Touch Programs—Low Touch People

The bottom left quadrant is for High Touch Programs and Low Touch People. You might get the Low Touch People in the room once but they will feel extremely uncomfortable with High Touch activity. For example, they don’t want to pray with the person beside them.

4. High Touch Programs—High Touch People

Then the bottom right is for High Touch Programs and High Touch People. On the surface this looks like a good match but you must be careful the High Touch doesn’t go too far. For example, a High Touch person could come to a small group and spill their dirty laundry basket if you are not careful. That confession might be good for their soul with a Coach but not in a Cell. What happens in Vegas never stays in Vegas for long. So, the bottom two quadrants are for the High Touch People.

Never spring a High Touch activity into a meeting where the people arrived with Low Touch expectations. Even simply holding hands across the aisle will freak some people out if they didn’t expect it. Conversely never emphasize Low Touch activities when people expect High Touch. For example, lecturing in a High Touch environment will fall flat unless you build in good interaction.

Whatever the combination, if you can’t keep the people comfortable you can’t keep them coming back. If you can’t keep them coming back, you won’t be ministering to them. Every individual has different expectations. Generally speaking, think of the progression from Low Touch to High Touch as happening at increasing levels inversely proportional to the size of the group. The bigger the crowd the lower the touch and vice versa.

9.

I Am Learning to Read People

Everyone can get better at reading the body language, vocal tone and words chosen by others. Those who are the best are more familiar with relating to people outside the silos of their family, job, class, club etc. However, there are very few trans cultural and trans generational places for people to relate to others. Oh, how I love the church because it is such a wonderful place providing the opportunity to get to know dissimilar people. But you must bear in mind that those who are not used to church life are slower to respond in such a diverse context. We can all get better at this by understanding some of the building blocks.

You must be aware of the personal space zone the other person is used to. Be careful to mirror the other person’s demeanor and posture so they feel comfortable with you.

There are four zones to consider. These zones vary from culture to culture so you need to be especially sensitive to people who come from a different culture than your own.

The Public Zone

The Public Zone is the distance at which a speaker stands in relation to their audience. This is perhaps four meters or more (15-20 feet) in a large space and perhaps as little as one meter (3 feet) in a small room like a living room. If the speaker vacates that zone and moves into a closer zone it can be very unsettling to a person. Speakers should stay in The Public Zone when they are speaking or they will put some people on edge.

The Social Zone

This is the distance we often stand apart from each other when talking in a small group. This is generally 1 to 2 meters (3-7 feet). That is the space across a table or from one couch to another. Many professional counselors arrange their offices with comfortable chairs that are not facing head on and have a coffee table between their chair and the counselee’s. This arrangement gives the best generic social zone for them.

The Personal Zone

The Personal Zone is within the normal touching range of another person (about ½ to 1 meter—18-40 inches). People often attempt to protect their personal zones by placing handbags, coats, or other barriers between themselves and others. Note if a person is moving away by pulling their head back. If they do, you are too close or perhaps you are too tall for them to see properly. One-on-one conversations often happen in this zone.

The Intimate Zone

This is the distance needed for embracing—family members or close friends. Depending on local expectations any invasion of strangers into this zone causes anxiety, irritation, and fear.

When you are greeting a new contact stay in the Social Zone until they invite you closer. Don’t invite yourself into another person’s space. They may stay there with you but they will be uncomfortable doing so. Many cultures have a manner of greeting by kissing on the cheek. Sometimes both cheeks and even in some cases alternating back and forth four times. They don’t think about it; they just do it. This kissing rule is part of the Social Zone for them so don’t be offended if someone from another place approaches you this way. Some churches share more hugs than others by the nature of the culture they have developed. Hugs are good. But be careful to stay within what is normal where you live and particularly stay with what is normal for a new person when relating to them.

If a person positions themselves at a diagonal angle to you mirror their angle don’t move around to get face to face with them. That may be seen as invasive by them. On the other hand, if you start off diagonally and the other person turns to get face to face with you don’t recoil away no matter how funny it feels to you. Bear in mind that short people need to stand back from tall people so they can see their face. In noisy environments people often bend their head down to hear better. People generally don’t want a hand gesture too close to their face.

Most “close talkers” are not aware they are making people uncomfortable. They move close and feel the other person’s modest physical withdrawal as rejection. It may not be rejection at all; it could be just a body positioning issue.

You must understand yourself well to understand others better. Some people have a very strong desire for approval and may push into your space or your time to gain that approval. Watch that you don’t do this. Other people may push into your space when they feel the need to get you to agree with them. They may feel you rejecting them if you move away.

Eye contact is another tricky element to manage. When you look into another person’s eyes and they look away it could mean various things. But generally speaking if the other person looks away you will do well to look away too. A constant gaze into a person’s eyes may make them feel uncomfortable or it may make them feel valued. If you need to tip your head up to see clearly through transitional lenses, you are probably too close. Your clue is in how they respond to your look. If they pull their eyes away, only go back to grab their eye contact if you are being very deliberate and it is at a useful time in the conversation to make them feel better, not worse.

Much is made of various eye movements. “If they look this way they are demonstrating that response.” As long as you aren’t too exaggerated in the way you use your eyes and your eyebrows you will probably be doing just fine. This is not something you should have to think about very much. However, if you are self-conscious about your eyes you will do well to consider various theories and consider your own eyes and what you might be saying with them. The eyes are said to be the windows of the soul. When others are gazing intently at you it is highly likely they are engaged in the conversation. Conversely, if they are looking down it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t appreciate what you are saying. The most important thing about your eyes is what is in your heart. When you are listening with your heart or speaking from your heart, your eyes will usually follow.

Blending the two concepts of “Touch” and “Zones” is always an issue. If you are a highly relational person you will tend to want to go “High Touch” when you can. In the “Public Zone” this is threatening to people who need a “Low Touch” until they feel safe. You cannot assume that just because someone is in a smaller space that they want “High Touch” activities. At the same time, some do want “High Touch” in the smaller space. The key is to make sure that a person who doesn’t want to self-disclose is allowed to be a quiet observer. Never force a stranger into a conversation they want to resist.

Now look. Nobody gets this part right 100% of the time. That is why I phrased the title of this chapter the way I did—we all must learn. This is an issue for lifelong learning. We never want to leave out the work of grace in our own lives. The more we sincerely study the issues and quietly ask the Holy Spirit to work in us, the better we will get. Never forget your desire to show the love of Jesus to others. Never forget that you can’t love somebody you don’t know or at least, aren’t willing to get to know. And you can’t get to know someone without exchanging words. Silence is not an option.

10.

I Am Learning to Understand People

Every business is the people business. Every church is about people. When you have people totally figured out you will have died and gone to heaven. If people understood themselves fully they would know some important things about their own deficiencies. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Those of us who have been around the block a few times translate that rhetorical question in the verse as “Duh!”

There are a lot of things we can understand but so much more that we can’t. In terms of strangers coming into church there are some things we can know for sure. For example, when they drive in the parking lot they intend to come into the building. Some turn around and drive away. When they come in the building they expect certain things. We don’t know exactly what they expect to see, hear, smell, touch, taste or sense. But we do know they come to us with a story. They often prepare that story before they get to the parking lot. Don’t try to mess with their story. Accept it—at least for the time being.

Here is a helpful way to understand all people. It is called the Johari Window. Google it. Or draw the diagram yourself. Draw a square and divide it into four quadrants.

1. Open

Make this the top left quadrant of your total square. This box contains the things that are public. The person knows these things and you can rather easily get to know them. For example, if someone pays close attention to their appearance, they know it. You can clearly see it.

2. Hidden

Hidden Quadrant. Make this the bottom left quadrant. These are the things a person knows but keeps hidden from others. This quadrant is usually chock full when a newcomer comes to church for the first time.

3. Blind

Make this the top right quadrant. This box contains the things that a person is blind to. You might plainly see and know things they don’t see or know. So, both Quadrants 1 and 3 are known by others. When you think about the vast number of things Christians know that others don’t know it is a massive list. For example, if someone comes to you as an ardent follower of someone like Wayne Dwyer or Depak Chopra they will not accept the Christian premise referenced in Jeremiah 17:9. Suppose for a moment that person is searching and has looked at the religion shelves in the local bookstore what would they be led to believe about life? Yes, there are some Christian books there but even they don’t all agree. Which books should they look at? If they don’t know much about the Bible they will see a variety of versions for sale. Which version is the correct one? By version they might logically assume that the message in these various versions differs. The difference between the concept of a version and a translation is something they may not have learned about.

We are all blind to a great extent. But all Christians sing with John Newton, the former slave trader, “I once was blind but now I see.”

You cannot teach everything to them at once. Take your time. You don’t have to blurt out every concept in the first conversation! That newcomer may mouth Newton’s words with you for a while before they actually move the concept from a sentimental song played by bagpipes at funerals to the personal reality embodied in conversion.

4. Unknown

This is the bottom right section of your square. This contains information that is unknown to both them and you. It is often when something in this quadrant is revealed to the individual that their roots are shaken. Cancer. Infidelity. Firing. Long list. What will they do with this new information? Of course, it was hidden to you because you didn’t know this person at all. But it was also hidden to them until they discovered it. They may move it to quadrant two and hide it until they figure out what to do with it. Perhaps you have heard a story of someone who was fired but kept leaving the house at the same time and arriving home at the same time because they didn’t want to tell their spouse. That is not an uncommon move of information from Quadrant 4 to Quadrant 2. However, when the person comes to you they come without any knowledge about what is in this box. Often they have no idea that surprise knowledge is on the way. And in many places and times in life you will never know what is in the Unknown box.

Guess what? The Christian has hope because we know who knows all about Quadrant 4.

Creating a bigger Open Quadrant is a process. When love grows, trust grows. When trust grows, dialogue grows. When dialogue grows, you earn the right to ask about things that aren’t in the Open Quadrant. When positive conversations transpire, church participation grows. When church participation grows, church service grows. If you are having problems finding church workers, it may be a symptom that this normal chain of engagement is flawed.

Your loving conversation may help the other person learn some things they were blind to. At the same time, you might learn hidden things you didn’t know about their kind of person and the individual them self. Think in terms of the simple word, “Ask” when you are in shared discovery into the Blind Quadrant with your new friend. But I hope you can see from the foregoing how careful you need to be about asking. The word that moves into the Hidden Quadrant is the word “Tell.” Since you don’t know what is in the Hidden Quadrant you can’t tell them a thing about themselves. But you may be able to give testimony about something you used to hide or a story of someone else who opened up about what they were hiding. Be careful to let your new friend self-disclose what they want to self-disclose. You can’t force them. If you try they will probably run from you.

Of course, this kind of understanding of people can grow for you in every avenue of life where there is interaction. It is hard to gain simply by observation. You can learn to pick up clues by observation but it is difficult to understand the reasons. For example, if a person seems hesitant with you it could be they are hiding something but it could also be that the hidden thing is fear of what you might do or say to them. If a person walks in like they own the universe it might not be the arrogance you could easily presume; they could be oblivious as to how domineering they are coming across.

What is the solution to getting to know them? Talk to them and see where the conversation takes you. If you are afraid to do so remember this, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” (Jeremiah 17:10) God may use you to open windows for a brand-new friend because the Lord already knows what you might need to learn.

11.

I Understand the Boundaries

In every relationship, there are boundaries. Most of those boundaries are unspoken but they are real. I don’t walk into your house, open the refrigerator and turn on the TV. You never told me I couldn’t. It just isn’t done!

That new person doesn’t know the boundaries that are common in your church. They might expect a solemn quiet atmosphere where everyone whispers. They will take clues from what they see in the first second when they enter. Yes, the very first second will give them clues. If you doubt that, think of the last time you arrived at a funeral home. You weren’t greeted with a big hug or slap on the back. You didn’t expect the participants to do the wave like they might at a sporting event. There is this boundary of decorum. You can figure it out in one second. Therefore, you must learn to set comfortable boundaries and live them so others can follow your lead.

The basic rules the new person assumes are the general rules of small talk. Small talk has three basic rules.

Friendly

Small talk always should feel friendly. In church, some are way too aggressive trying to be friendly. They would never be that aggressive anywhere else. They approach people in a way that intimidates. It is always better to start with a lower level of friendly energy and then dial it up to match the other person. It is like coming alongside of them in your car on a multi-lane highway and waving at them. If you whiz on by with a wave in the rear-view mirror you leave a different impression than if you just come alongside and try to catch the eye of the occupant in the other car. Now if you are a close friend you might roll your window down and wave frantically but if you are just an acquaintance you will use a gentler wave. You see, there are these unwritten boundaries even in small talk.

You want to be friendly within the range that is natural for you. If you are a quieter personality you might just slip alongside and give your warm, “Good Morning!” If you are a higher energy affable type you might put more energy in your greeting. However, if you just walk up to someone with too much enthusiasm and stick your hand out for a handshake, while some will respond positively in kind; others will find that much energy makes them feel awkward. If you don’t know how you come across in general, you can ask a close friend to evaluate your approach.

If we were together in a seminar I would pair you up with someone else and ask you to practice this. Some hate it when I do that because they feel very artificial or awkward doing the role play. But it is a great exercise to get you to think about how you manage that first event of meeting someone for the first time.

No Impositions

The second rule of small talk is you must not impose your will on the other person. If you give the impression that the other person must obey your rules whatever they may be, you will draw out negative emotions in them. Eliminate all the signs you can that say, “No!” People don’t like to be told where they may or may not sit by a sign. If you need to reserve spots or point people in a certain direction don’t embarrass anyone if you can help it.

You might be enthusiastic about some aspect of your church life and want to encourage others into it. It is seldom effective to use the “I recommend” method. In the first conversation with someone your objective is to get to the second conversation next time; you don’t want to get to a dead end. So, for example, if you say, “I recommend you join one of our small groups right away because that is the best way to get to know some people,” you might be inadvertently pushing the person away. There are some good things in that sample sentence. 1. You open the subject of small groups. 2. You open a potential door to friendships. 3. You show the new person they would be welcome. However, you also put them on the spot by seeming to expect a “yes” or “no” answer right on the spot. Try not to put yourself in the position of being in the dominant position in the relationship. This may be seen as you being like a pushy salesperson. One of the most rejected personality types is the salesperson who won’t take “no” for an answer. You can get the same positive effects I mention without coming across as too forward by couching your encouragement in different terms.

Always think in terms of giving options. “One of the things you might consider in the future is to try out one of our small groups because that is one good way to make some new friends.” Do you feel the difference? Your new contact definitely will because of several things in the words. “One of the things” implies there are other options. “In the future” takes the heat off of expecting a decision today. “Try” gives the option of a trial instead of a commitment implied in the word “join.” “One good way” demonstrates there are other ways. None of those small tweaks diminishes your enthusiasm but they do keep the door open for future conversations. You never want that new person to feel that if they see you again in church they will owe you an answer.

Think about the words you use and always provide options for the other person. You do far better if you phrase yourself carefully so that you don’t elicit a negative answer. “Would it be helpful for me to help you decide where you might like to sit, or perhaps I should point you to the washrooms?” It is impossible to get a yes or no answer to that. Technically, that sentence isn’t really a good question if you want a definitive answer. But it is a good way to elicit a response that gives you some information that may help you understand the needs of the person. Who knows what they will say? Their response will give you a clue. Perhaps the next step might be to find someone to introduce them to. For example, if a parent says, “Do you have a nursery?” The small talk answer is not “Yes. It is downstairs. Turn left at the bottom of the stairs. Then turn right and I am sure you will find it.” The answer is, “Sure! Let me walk you there.” Then glean more information as you walk.

No Controversy

The third rule of small talk is to stay away from any subject that might be embarrassing or controversial. Don’t get invasive. Of course, invasive is like beauty; it is defined by the eye of the beholder. It is commonly known that religion and politics are two subjects to avoid in conversation. You don’t need to get into politics at any time and you probably should be very careful about religion. That may seem strange since you are in church. However, asking about religious background may be seen as invasive to some. They will surrender the information after they trust you. That is not likely to happen in your first conversation. Keep your conversation inside the other person’s boundaries as best you can and you may have the second opportunity next time.

Unless they ask for instruction don’t take it upon yourself to give them your understanding of any doctrine. Even more important is to avoid truisms like “God has everything under control” or “Jesus always cares so you can take your burdens to him.” Those statements are true but they probably will seem trite when you are attempting to start a relationship. It is cringe worthy when you seek to become an advisor unless they ask.

Stay with the small talk until you earn the right to move to tall talk.

12.

I Tune My Receptors

There are plenty of theories about human attention and how it works. Some suggest the normal attention span is about five minutes and others suggest 12 seconds. I am not a doctor or a social scientist but it seems to me that our society is way too quick assessing a label like ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) to explain behavior we find unacceptable. However, by paying attention I have found that we can all learn a lot. Or as Yogi Berra put it, “You can observe a lot by just watching.”

We espouse an ideal theology as expressed so perfectly here, “But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” (1 Corinthians 12:24-26) And that is what we strive for. So why can’t we get it right or at least a lot better?

Consider this. A church functions like concentric circles. Picture the image of a stone thrown into a still pond. The big ripples are at the center where the stone hits. The circles reach out from the center but while they get bigger in circumference, they get thinner and thinner until they disappear at the outer edge as the energy dissipates. A church in our world is like that. At the center, the waves show impact but the further you get from the center, the smaller the impact. We often lament that 20% of the people do 80% of the work and the other 80% of the people soak up the services while offering 20% of the help. Complaining about it doesn’t help much.

I have found that many individuals in that consumer crowd outside of the 20% core workers are much more willing to help than most church leaders believe. However, you won’t engage many of them with public pleas and bulletin announcements. Nor will you capture their hearts by button-holing them in the lobby. Let me tell you their answer when you ask for help in that way, “I would love to help but I can’t because I am too busy.” Isn’t it interesting that they think the reason they give is original? It implies that they are too busy but the person standing beside them is the one you want to talk to because they aren’t as busy.

With the right approach, you can find many more helpers than you probably imagine. Here’s how.

Don’t take your advice on how well you are doing by talking only to the people in the inner circles. They are much more likely to tell you how loving the church is because the others in that inner circle are tuned to their particular needs.

Tune in to the people out on the edges. And of course, these people are strangers to you until you say, “Hello!” Quietly and systematically build a culture that notices people in those outer rings. Give those people the opportunity to experience your sympathetic ear. Listen carefully and make significant effort to help with their life needs as they perceive them.

It is debilitating to a church if people clamor for the attention of the pastor. The more church people become the listeners, the less people will feel the need to talk to the pastor as if he is the only one who cares. The pastor’s job is, “to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up.” (Ephesians 4:12) The pastor is an equipper; the people are the ministers.

To build up the body means that you must cut back a little on the attention you give to your pre-existing friends. Don’t ignore your friends but find someone else in the outer circles to work with.

Let’s suppose for a moment that you have a church friend over to your home once a week. Oh, OK if you must, you have someone you meet at a coffee shop. If once in eight weeks you invest that time with a new acquaintance, you will start a relationship with about six new people in a year. That doesn’t seem too difficult, does it?

Now your objective should be to introduce that new friend to one of your old friends who bears some similarity. Encourage your old friend to strike up a friendship with the new person.

Think of yourself as a giant LEGO block with 150 connection points, called studs, to connect another block. Probably nearly all your studs are occupied with preexisting relationships. Further, for illustration’s sake your 150 connection points include a lot of people who aren’t in your church. You have about 60 studs maximum for church people. Then you have some others you hope will join you in your church life. These others may include friends, relatives, associates from work or recreation and neighbors. You feel the burden of taking on more people but you know you can’t overload your life and stay in balance.

Now back to that one new friend. Here is a very important principle. If that person comes to you as a newcomer to your church, there is a high probability they have empty studs on their own LEGO block. The smart thing to do is to introduce that new person to someone you got to know recently in the church because that person likely has vacant studs too and they may hook up very easily. Both those people have at least one thing in common; they have a new church—your church.

Stay in touch with both those new friends. You will do so automatically if they regularly attend with you. But only invest heavily where you see potential for becoming a mentor.

Only invest as a mentor when your mentee acknowledges the nature of the relationship with you as a mentor/mentee arrangement. Then—and this is critical—only pour your best into those who agree that the day will come sooner than later when they will find someone they can pass your wisdom on to. In my opinion, the failure to make that distinction is one of the great failings in the church. Paul was very explicit with Timothy. “And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.” (2 Timothy 2:2) Timothy was to invest in “reliable people.” Make a list of what makes a person reliable. You already know a lot about that. Do not—I repeat—do not invest much in people who aren’t already reliable. Find the new friend who is reliable. Find the one without excuses. And most importantly, find the one who will from the get-go agree to prepare themselves to pass it on.

Once you identify a reliable person, it is a short step to engaging them in significant roles in the church. Start a new worker with a one-off task. The task must be specific and time bound. Ask for a report on how it went. This could be as simple as going to a store to buy water bottles. When a person gets that right, you can put the person in charge of seeing that there are always water bottles available.

This is all about your attention to the right things. Watch for new people who show promise and then see if they will step up. You don’t have to hit a home run on this. Singles are good. Strike outs are inevitable. You don’t need superstar home run hitters; you simply need people who pay attention to people outside their normal field of view.

13.

I Follow the Pattern

Almost everybody remembers their first real conversation when they arrive at a new church for the first time. As a general rule, this conversation is not with someone who does official greeting but with what seems to them to be a random person just showing interest in their life. This is where the great power for integrating the new people into church begins.

Conducting these conversations with new people can be a little tricky but you can think in terms of a pattern into which conversations usually fall.

There are three stages to consider.

Mouth-to-Mouth

This level includes the normal conversations you might have with people you do not know. They are pleasant enough but really don’t go into much depth. It is important that you get into the shallow end of the pool on a conversation. Try to think in terms that are simply pleasant but don’t require anything other than the normal building blocks of conversation. In many places the simple place to start is with the weather.

Often you should carry the conversation for a few minutes because the other person may not have anything to say. This is like mouth to ear resuscitation. The other person may feel they are about to faint. They know that while they are listening to you it is expected their turn to talk is coming. So, do your best to put a shy person at ease with small talk. Then when they think of something to say turn into the best listener you can be.

Head-to-Head

At this level the conversation moves to ideas. Simply because we are talking on the common ground of church, it is reasonable to have somewhat superficial conversations about religious ideas in church. But a first conversation in church normally won’t comfortably work out in discussing church doctrine. Bear this in mind. Even though a person is a newcomer in church it does not mean that person is comfortable talking about religion. That person might fear this subject area because they don’t have a lot of information to go back and forth with. It is perfectly all right to talk about other common things in a first conversation. In this materialistic world, the latest gadget might be something to talk about. All you are seeking to do in the beginning is establish some common ground on which your friendship might grow. Or you might identify ground that someone else has more in common with the person than you do.

Heart-to-Heart

At this level the conversation moves to how a person feels about something. First conversations seldom move to this level of intimacy. It takes time for people to share what they really feel. Therefore, always give your newcomer plenty of time to self-disclose.

Develop the skill to identify when the person you are talking to is ready to take the conversation to the next level of depth. On occasion an individual might ask you a question that indicates they want to move from one level to the next.

The pattern you want to achieve is to help this person share what is on their mind but more importantly to develop an acquaintance that could lead to deeper friendship with yourself or someone else.

Always think in terms of the rule of triading. You want to make every effort to turn one-on-one conversation into a conversation that involves a third person. It is even better when that third person is more like the person you have just met than you are. One great way to do this is to follow a question with, “That is a really good question. I’m not the best person to answer it just now. Why don’t we see what _________ has to say about that?” Then go together to find the next person and ask them to supply the answer. You might have a good answer yourself but it is far better for you to get another person involved in the conversation.

In church or any group of people there are a few individuals others look to for answers. That is natural but it isn’t always productive. It is especially unproductive when the key leader or pastor is the one everyone looks to for judgment.

The pastor of the church is the “famous man” to the stranger. The church is wise to encourage people to bring others to the pastor to meet him but not to be the answer man. When a church gets good at this, people recognize a zone around the pastor and systematically help to feed people in and out of the queue of people who want to talk to him.

Pastors unwittingly often trap themselves in a corner. They love people. They love conversations with people. But they quickly get overwhelmed with too many people demanding their time. A pastor must become strategic in how he invests his time. For example, if someone comes to the pastor and asks him about personal salvation, it is like throwing a steak to a dog. He loves to lead people to Christ. However, when he starts a relationship at this level, the individual often expects that it will continue. It is far more productive for the pastor to take someone with him who he is attempting to mentor. He can then ask his mentee to jump into the conversation. The pastor’s objective should be to encourage that newcomer to see the third person as someone they can follow.

Your objective should be that over time this new person in your church is no longer a stranger because they developed at least seven friends in the first six months. Don’t try to get them to make seven friends in the first six minutes. You should expect multiple conversations before you get very far through this pattern. That requires you to do everything in your power to keep the stranger moving forward into friendships.

Your job with the stranger is to do what you can to involve the person in the lives of others and the participation opportunities your church provides. This won’t all happen in the first encounter but it will start there with a mouth-to-mouth conversation.

14.

I Expect It to Take Time

The first conversation you have with someone may not get very far. The purpose of the first conversation is to set up the next conversation. That next conversation is something you can attempt to manage. In the last chapter, we talked about the standard road map for a conversation. You may use it already and just don’t know it. Please remember it takes some time to get to know people. It is rare that people just “click” or “hit if off” at the very beginning.

Think about how most relationships start. Normally you meet people by being put together by some outside force. That is, you are put in the same class or on the same team. You didn’t pick the place for the work task; it was assigned. Perhaps you move onto the same street and become neighbors. Often a crisis puts people together and after the crisis they continue the relationship. In short, you didn’t choose the relationship; the relationship chose you. There is a big word for that—“propinquity.” Every relationship starts because you are at the same place at the same time. This is true even when the relationship starts electronically. In that case, the same place and time might be a social media resource.

Some would say that relationships are the best part of life. New friends are people you haven’t met yet. In fact, your next best friend is probably someone you haven’t met yet. It may be that the next person you meet doesn’t become a lifelong friend but you can be sure that person wants more friends or at least better friends.

At the start, you are anxious because you fear the unknown. The person you walk up to might not want to talk to you. The worst thing that can happen if they don’t, is that you get to move on to someone who might welcome your initiative. You aren’t forced to create a relationship if they don’t want one. Take a deep breath and relax. You can go from nervous to curious in no time so why would you stay nervous by choice?

Your conversation is going to start at the superficial level. The standard place to start is with the weather in many subcultures. A good thing to do is to think of all the ways you can refer to the weather in a way that is just a little different. For example, instead of saying “Beautiful day isn’t it?” You might say, “This beautiful day reminds me of the day I moved to town.” That would give the other person an opening. They could say, “Really! How long ago was that?” “Where did you come from?” Or something like that. Some will take the bait. Others will not. You need to plan to keep things going for the first couple of minutes if the person shows any interest at all. Avoid starting with questions. Give your new acquaintance some information about yourself. You see if they ask about your “home town” it creates the perfect opening for you to ask, “Where is your home town?” Rather than a yes or no answer you will be more likely to get a parallel level of disclosure to what you started with. So, the person might say, “Actually I am from ______.” Then you can say, “Really! Tell me about it.”

At first you will need to plan such openers. Think of it as the “This reminds me of …” technique. Instead of saying, “Do you remember that cold stormy day last week?” Say something like, “That cold stormy day last week really set me off because I had a flat tire when I walked out to my car.” Attempt to arouse their curiosity. You hope to get them to say something like, “Oh my! Where were you headed?” Or “How did you solve that one?” Many people won’t think of something to ask. But they know when you are speaking that their turn is coming and they are wondering what they will say next. They will hardly be listening to you until they start to relax and realize that you are willing to carry the conversation and not turn it into an interrogation. Do what you can to put the person at ease. Notice when they start to relax. Some will relax immediately; others will take a little time to warm up. A few will turn away. Let them go if they choose to. You might move the conversation forward next time.

Let’s think about that dreaded rejection for a moment. Why would you think they have enough information to reject you personally? If this person doesn’t know you they would have to be rejecting you based on some prejudice. That could be age, ethnicity or whatever. However, remember you are all in the same church building and you have a lot in common. You are probably just reading into their response if you see it as negative. The person might be distracted because they are looking for someone or keeping track of the time. It could simply be the person is having a bad day. Some people who are hurting feel they want to be alone with their thoughts. However, if you give a hint that you care they might be very grateful for your warm greeting. It could be that the person is very suspicious of your motives. They might think you are after something. Most of these initial barriers can be overcome if you don’t impose yourself on the person.

The emotional state of the person you are talking to is very important. When a person appears to be a little gloomy or hesitant don’t approach them with high energy. As a rule, approach people with an energy level just a little higher than what your initial guess is about their energy level. Then if they become more animated in response to you, you can add more energy in your voice and your body language. If they are quieter in their demeanor you can tone yourself down to their level. If you are tall you should compensate by leaning over. This is difficult to do without moving too close. If you are hard of hearing you need to get a hearing aid. Don’t be too proud to do so. If you think people are mumbling more than they used to you probably need to get a hearing test. It is very important that you hear what others are saying in their words, tone and body language.

This is a skill set you will need to work on all your life. It normally takes some time and repeated contacts before your relationship with a new friend starts to feel natural. Then when it does you will find yourself looking forward to the conversation you can enjoy with each other. It is worth the effort at the beginning because of the great results that may follow.

15.

I Work the Moments

There are two or three key times in Sunday church that matter the most to people who come as strangers to you. How you behave in those moments will be the most important times. Let me prove that to you. If you have had the opportunity to move from one church to another or even more significantly from being never engaged in church to becoming a participant, you can remember the first conversation you had in the new church. You probably remember that person. You probably met the person in the church lobby. The person was probably not the one with the flashing neon sign on their chest that said “Greeter.”

And I think somewhat sadly, the person you met first might have been the pastor. I think that is sad because many churches expect the pastor to occupy that first responder role. That is not to suggest the pastor can’t be in the lobby or visibly available to people. In fact, I believe the pastor should set a positive example. But if an individual walks in and this larger-than-life person lays friendly eyes on them first, many will recoil from that attention. By comparison, when you walk into the “big box” store or the bank you don’t expect the manager to be the greeter.

The first moments before the service are very critical. The welcome when the meeting begins is not unimportant because it does lay out the ground rules for the meeting. That should happen. But before a new person ever gets to that opening they may have already made up their mind about whether or not they will consider your church as an option for their life. They won’t walk out until the meeting is over because they had a contract with themselves they would give you an hour of their life. If they start out negative you will have a very tough time to turn that around.

I have been a resolute advocate of the “5 - 10 -15 - Link Rule” for decades because I know it is the single most important technique I have discovered to turn a church into a friendly church almost overnight. I would never have a church board member who doesn’t strive to live by this rule. I would never hire or call a church staff member who isn’t committed to this rule. The “5 - 10 - 15 - Link Rule” is the key to working the moments. Far too few pastors and church leaders know this rule and then live by it. You can get a fuller explanation in my book “See You Next Week” but here it is briefly.

Five

You must avoid greeting anyone you know five minutes before or after any meeting if you can find someone you don’t know to greet first.

Ten

When you see someone within ten feet of you who is standing or sitting alone you must seek to engage them in conversation.

Fifteen

You are late if you are not on the floor fifteen minutes before the meeting begins and you are leaving early if you don’t linger fifteen minutes or more after the meeting is over.

Link

You must make every effort to link everyone you meet with someone who is more like them in some way.

You may be a little self-conscious about that as you begin to live by it. What is the worst thing that can happen if you give it a concerted effort for three months to see if you get better at it? I will tell you right now I will personally give you double your money back on this book if you try it and find it to be anything other than a wonderful blessing in your life. That is the worst thing that can happen!

That rule works for both the before and after times of virtually every meeting but especially for your main Sunday meetings which, as you recall, are at the top of the funnel to bring people into your church.

Another moment to pay attention to is the dreaded shake hands time. Research has shown this to be disliked by at least 70% of church people. I personally believe it is of no positive use as a strategy but probably is a tolerable practice for most. The only people who really like it are those who are more extroverted and would be greeting people without any extra encouragement. There is a much more positive alternative I will share with you. But I will hasten to add, don’t give that “stand and shake hands” time away until you have an active plan to do better.

Pay attention to that moment by using as a hook. “May I take a few moments after the service to chat with you?” That is simple. Be selective in its use. It will seem natural when your new friend looks you in the eye indicating they would enjoy talking further with you.

Immediately after “amen” at the end of the service the person you don’t know beside you is likely to turn their back to you to exit the row. This is a key moment. I hope you aren’t one of those inconsiderate people who insists on sitting in the aisle seat and forces others to crawl over you. Since you are in the middle of the row everyone turns their back to you so you must be brave. Simply tap the person on the shoulder and start your conversation. I have several things to suggest about how to start that conversation but right now I am concentrating on the decision you must make to start the conversation. The key is this: if you don’t catch them while they are still in the row of seats it will be more difficult to start in the aisle while others are pressing to get to the exit. And since you are in the middle of the row you won’t be blocking anyone if you start a conversation for a few minutes.

Pray that the Lord will lead you into the conversations he has for you that day. Work with me on this. In Canada, we have a one dollar coin we call a Loonie because of the image of the loon on it. We also have a two-dollar coin we call a Toonie. (Of course, all Canadians know this. If you are an American and would like one of each of these coins send me an email and I will mail them to you.) Here is the point I want to make. Every conversation that is meaningful is worth something. If that conversation is with someone you know think of it is a Loonie. If it is with someone you don’t know think of it as a Toonie. Every time you start a conversation you get either a Loonie or a Toonie. Every time someone else starts a conversation with you, you get nothing. When you pray specifically about these conversations you will be amazed at how the Lord directs you. There will be follow up conversations you need to have with the new person you met a week or two ago. You must not ignore that responsibility. It all starts with a heart tuned to the work of the Holy Spirit in you to direct you to minister specially to the new people. They are like the one sheep the shepherd goes out after compared to the ninety-nine who are already safe.

16.

I Go First

To change the way you approach this subject you are going to have to ignore what your mother taught you about talking to strangers. At least in church. Sorry Mom! Didn’t she teach you not to talk to strangers?

You have probably noticed how free and easy little children are at talking to you. You can make a face at the small child in the booster chair at the restaurant and start a relationship. Begin with a smile. That child will probably smile back and show you something they are holding. When they show you the crayon you can look back and pretend you know how to make scribbling motions with your hand or show them the crayon from your table. As simple as that is, it is the start of a relationship. The parent might now share a smile with you too or in some cases look to the child and do what mothers do and teach the child not to talk to strangers by encouraging the child to get back to their food. Of course, there is good reason for that maternal fear. It can be very confusing for the child to sort out the safe strangers from the ones to avoid.

On that subject, children are very important in church. It is easy to talk to a child first and show interest. Get down to their eye level to carry on the conversation when a parent is standing nearby. You might need to get down on one knee. Ignoring children is a bad thing to do. Their thoughts, experiences and opinions truly matter. Bear in mind that if you have a good small talk conversation with a child, the child is likely to have a conversation with the parent about you later.

When a person is appointed as a greeter at a church they take the initiative to say hello to everyone who passes by. But why don’t they do something similar when they aren’t appointed to do so? People appreciate that official greeting handshake. You do get points with them for greeting at the door. But you get double points for greeting when it isn’t your official job to do so. Let’s suppose you have two official greeters at the door each week and have four of these teams, each taking a turn once a month. What happens the Sunday these individuals are “on”? They may dress differently. They will arrive earlier. They will have a bigger spring in their step. They come prepared. Now what would happen if they applied the same attitude on the three Sundays they aren’t “on?” They won’t be standing at the door but they can move around the available space inside and outside the door and be just as friendly, can they not? If their greeting is genuine the one week it can certainly carry over to all the other weeks.

Be the first to speak. Your first words will often be like a calling card you are remembered by. At least be the first to make eye contact and be ready to be the first to speak. The other person might just speak up first if you give them the gift of a warm smile and a look in the eye. This is not difficult, is it? How simple can it be? Get to church on time—at least 15 minutes before start time. Smile and say hello.

But before you start your new habit you might want to try an experiment. I am confident you don’t know how friendly or unfriendly your church is right now. Next Sunday arrive at church a few minutes early and don’t deliberately make eye contact with others. Don’t be the first to smile. See how many people walk up to you and greet you. Keep track. On one hand count the people who you know reasonably well. On the other hand, count the people whose face you might recognize but who you don’t know very well. On your third hand, you can count the number of new people who will come up to you and greet. Of course, you don’t have, nor will you need, a third hand!

This starts with your eyes. For this one week alone pretend you are on an elevator. If someone catches your eye accidentally, pretend you don’t see and look away. Don’t scowl; just glance at the other wall or your phone or the fleck of lint on your shoulder you want to pick off. Even though you are there regularly you will realize that very few people speak to you if they don’t have something to follow up on. As you look around, you will probably see some people in small clusters of conversation. You will also see some people sitting or standing alone as if they are waiting for a bus. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps your church is the exception. Perhaps you won’t see even one person standing by themselves looking a little awkward. Just try the test.

Another component of this probable isolation of people is those who are there all alone. Approximately one third of the adults in most churches are either single or spiritually single. Generally, about two thirds or more of those single people are females. I have the deepest respect for these people who get themselves up and out the door on Sunday all by themselves. That is very hard to do. Some have a few good friends they travel with. Others have a few people they know well they meet at the door. However, many go on week after week with the fear they will have to endure another lonely time with just themselves and Jesus. Widows and widowers find life very difficult in this regard. Often at advancing years they must make a new set of habits about how things work. They don’t have anyone to hold the door, walk beside or sit with any more. These people need others to notice and care. Never let one of them sit alone if you can help it. In light of this fact, about half the time Wendy and I don’t sit together. This gives us double the opportunity to touch someone who is alone. And that gives us more to talk about on the drive home as we debrief.

Let’s link this up with the theme of loving one another. Can you see how your initiative is necessary if you are truly one who loves? On four occasions in the New Testament it says, “Greet one another.” There is only one reason for Peter and Paul to mention this. They have obviously noted that in their visits around to churches there wasn’t enough greeting going on. They call this a holy thing. In some cultures, the holy thing to do is kiss. Imagine a church where everyone is greeted warmly just because everyone is greeting people warmly. That is a good start to create the ground for ongoing loving relationships. It grieves me every Sunday as I watch people attempt to set land speed records getting out the door and to their car after the meeting. What is the rush? The important part is just beginning after the meeting is dismissed. What a great time to get your “one another” into gear! Stop them on the way out and start a conversation. If they push on by, you have lost nothing; it is all their loss for this week. Don’t give up hope because there is always the next time.

17.

I Start Something

Everyone needs a plan to be a starter of conversations. The place people fail the most in getting conversations started is they don’t have a set of possible starting points in their mind when they walk in the door. If you are lacking in this area, I want you to make sure you take some paper and write out some things you think of as we go along. If you simply draw too many blanks, ask a friend to help you. This is your responsibility—not anyone else’s. So, you need to find the places to begin that fit the way you think and can learn to speak. So here we go!

There are several potential places to start. Some of them are familiar to you but could be polished up a bit.

Inquire About the Person

You can take that simple question, “How are you?” And make it much more meaningful with some simple changes. The first thing to work on is your demeanor when you ask the question. Smile. Look at the person eye to eye. Pause for the smallest moment between your first words of greeting and your question. “Good morning!” “How are you?” One way to make yourself do this is simply say to yourself (not out loud), “One, two, three.” between your first sentence and your second sentence. That will create a meaningful separation. Then of course, there are multiple ways in which you can change the sentence with your tone of voice. Stop for a moment and see how many you can create right off the top of your head.

You can find alternate ways to ask the same question. “How is everything with you this morning?” “Are you having a good day so far?” Once again, pause here and see how many ways you can create to say the equivalent of “How are you?” At first this might seem insignificant to you but you will find that asking in a different way draws out a different level of response.

Listen to the answer you get. Don’t just listen to the words; listen to the tone. If you sense there is any tinge of melancholy in their tone this is a clue that could lead you to a deeper conversation. Without using any words but just a facial expression you can give the person permission to tell you more. Or you may choose to comment on the tone you hear. “Could I guess it’s not as good as it could be for you today?” “Might I guess you are hoping for better?” Maybe you guessed it by now! I want you to stop and think of several things that you could say that could possibly open the door for further conversation.

Questions About the Surroundings

In the same way as above develop a standard list of questions about the surroundings. “Do you think it’s going to rain?” “Did you have any trouble with the traffic this morning?”

Statements About the Surroundings

“It’s windy out there this morning!” “Wow! I think we could fry eggs on the driveway it so hot!”

Statements or Questions Seeking Agreement

“Looks like a big crowd today!” “I am looking forward to hearing the guest speaker today.” “I found that service inspiring today. How about you?”

If you don’t take some time to build your library, you’re likely to go back to the same old way you have always started conversations. So, go ahead and have some fun with this. Make some lists to expand your range of comments to make. Everyone has a standard set of openers and responses. We all need to work on ours and get more creative.

Make sure your list of things to start with always heightens positivity. Nobody needs any more negative information. “I wonder where everybody is this morning?” won’t give you positive traction. So even if you think it, don’t say it. Plan to add new information wherever you can. Especially talk up new information about events happening in your church.

Agree Agree Agree

Never try to find points of disagreement with the newcomer. Even if what they are saying is completely wrong find something good in what they are saying that you can agree with. For example, let’s say a stranger you meet in the lobby remarks, “I expect the preacher is going to beat up on me today because of my lifestyle.” It won’t do any good to reply with, “Oh no! Not at all.” That simply shuts off the conversation. Instead, “That might just be the response of many people who come here for the first time. Would you guess that is so?”

Clarify Clarify Clarify

Learn to ask questions that give you a deeper insight into the person you are talking to. At the same time, supply liberal amounts of self-disclosure about yourself and your church. Of course, you always want to make this information edifying. Fake listening is bad. Get better at fact finding when listening. “May I ask you a really quick question?” is a good way to get some facts.

Compliment Compliment Compliment

Find something nice to say. You might comment on clothing; although sometimes it may make someone feel self-conscious. When someone asks a question, you can always say, “That’s a really good question!” Perhaps it’s appropriate for you to say, “I appreciate your openness.” You might say, “I respect it probably took a lot of courage to come here today.”

Smile with your voice not just your face. If you have to think a funny thought to find a smile, then do that. Wherever the conversation starts plan to nod three times to what the person says to you. People like others who are like them so search for common ground. Attempt to use their terminology not yours. For example, when someone uses a good word to describe something you can compliment them on the word choice.

Once you pick up the person’s name, remember to use it regularly throughout your conversation. But don’t overdo it. If you have missed the name or the pronunciation of it ask. “I think I forgot your name already. I’m sorry. It was ______ wasn’t it?” “How should I say your name again?”

Ordinary people always like to make new friends. But they only like to make new friends with people they like—not people they tolerate. In this chapter alone you have enough ideas to start new friendships with people who otherwise you would simply pass by. Enrich your life by enriching a new friend’s life. The more you work at it the more your confidence will grow.

18.

I Remember Names

I have prosopagnosia. Never heard of that, huh? Neither had I until recently but I was born with it. I love to tell people I have a congenital defect in my fusiform gyrus which gives me permanent prosopagnosia. Once I explain it to people a few people tell me they must have it too. The street level term for prosopagnosia is face blindness. That isn’t blindness. I can see people’s faces as well as the next person but my brain doesn’t register them in the same way. It isn’t a lack of attention or memory. The normal human brain has a heightened ability to recognize faces. My ability to recognize a brand of car is about the same as my ability to recognize a face. My best example is this. I could not find our own children in their school class pictures when they brought them home. They always thought I was joking but it is true. This isn’t the same as forgetting names. I can mostly only recognize people by other features such as size, gait, hairstyle, voice and context. Honestly, I have misrecognized my wife of nearly five decades! And for the record, I have a friend who has exactly the same experience. I have no idea how many people I have walked past in the mall because they were out of context. There are no techniques I am aware of to fix this problem.

Remembering names is quite another matter. There are many techniques to use to remember names. Quit excusing yourself. Nobody is particularly good with names until they learn how to get better at it. And you too can get better at it.

The fundamental reasons why we don’t remember names actually have nothing to do with remembering names. It has much more to do with how much attention we are paying to the person. For most people, the information that is being assimilated all at once is quite remarkable. We are paying attention to the person’s visual appearance and our brains are trying to catch a measure of how responsive they are to us. Naturally, but perhaps sadly, we are more concerned about how we are coming across than we are in paying attention to who we are talking to.

The person’s name is more important to them than almost anything else. Therefore, if we do well at remembering their name they are more likely to respond positively in our conversation. Bear in mind that they are just as likely as you to forget your name as you are to forget their’s.

When you are introduced to someone make sure that you hear their name properly in the first place. This can be rather difficult in a noisy environment. It is easier to ask them to repeat that name at the beginning than it is later in the conversation. Repeat their name back to them immediately to make sure you have the correct. Melinda will not like it if you call her Melissa. But the thing is, if you call her Melissa once you are going to have a difficult time correcting yourself to get it right in the future.

There are some practical ways to help you to remember names. Simply Google the phrase “how to remember names” and you will have all the training you need. Stop! Did you make a mental commitment to actually go and do that once you finish this chapter? If you didn’t, therein is your problem. You have to commit to getting better at remembering names before you will do it.

You must be sure that this is an important skill for you to work on. This is not a perceptual handicap there is nothing you can do about. Because you now understand how important it is to the person you are trying to care for, you will do much better at it, will you not?

As soon as you learn something you start to forget it. You must move a person’s name from short term memory to long term memory. You have to get over the illusion that you are going to remember that name you heard five seconds ago. You are most likely to forget that name within one minute if you don’t change your ways. You are normal; we all have that deficiency.

While there are many ways to help you remember names I am going to suggest just two that build on a desire to do so.

Make a deliberate effort to repeat the person’s name several times in your first conversation. Don’t overdo this or you will sound unnatural. But it is easy for you to start a question with, “Rashid, may I ask you…” Rather than starting your sentences with “ummm” start with the person’s name.

Secondly, externalize your memory. That is just a fancy way of saying write it down or key it into your phone. Do this as soon as the conversation is finished or you will forget—take that to the bank! This means you have to come equipped with a pen and a pad of small Post It! Notes or blank business cards, your phone or both. Avery has a free program Avery Design and Print. (Just Google “Avery Design and Print” and you will find it.) You can use this handy program to create your own business card. The local stationary store will be happy to sell you “business cards” to print from your own printer. You don’t have to go and purchase 1000. You simply take one of Avery’s stock designs and fill in the blanks with your information. Take one sheet from the package and print out ten cards on one page. That should do you for a couple of weeks. Take another page and separate the cards leaving them blank. Put the 20 cards in your pocket. You can give your friend your card and ask them to write their name and phone number on a blank card they give back to you or you can do that yourself. Make sure you have an easy access pocket for these along with a pen. You don’t want to have to go on an archaeological dig into a purse to find a pen.

Since your new friend will also forget your name, give them some way to remember it. If you can come up with something fancy or creative by all means do so. My name is Gary Carter; there was a famous baseball player who is in the Hall of Fame with the same name. For sports fans who are a little older, they identify with that immediately. I have developed this simple line, “I had that name first! And interestingly we both have a brother named Gordon.” The principle here is that if you can link your name to something they already know, they are much more likely to remember your name because it isn’t in the vacuum. Just as you repeat their name in the conversation you can sprinkle a conversation with your own name. “My wife Wendy the other day said to me Gary...” There I just gave them two names.

Say this to yourself every time you want to make an excuse about forgetting names, “I am getting better at remembering names because I want to. It is important and I am learning the techniques to help myself.” Soon those techniques will become new habits.

19.

I Come With Joy

As simple as it may seem church should be a happy place. There should be lots of joy mixed with comfort. People carry heavy loads and there should be no denying that. And at the same time, they need people to remind them there is hope at the end of the trouble for those who rest in the Lord. When you come with joy it is contagious.

Develop the habit of talking with people about what is going right. This is not denial; it is focus. Look for something uplifting to dwell on. Notice a pleasant smile and comment on it. Compliment people on their appearance, accomplishments and even on efforts that don’t work out as well as they had hoped. At least they tried.

Concentrate your words on the positive things. These are words that invite people to more life and vitality. They don’t want to hear you reject their ideas. You don’t like it when others reject what you are saying. Even when someone is wrong you usually don’t need to tell them so. Develop the ability to say, “Now there is a perspective I hadn’t thought about” instead of “That’s a dumb idea.” You can say, “Isn’t that interesting!” to almost anything. When someone makes a lame excuse for their past behavior or upcoming ill-advised choice you can easily say to yourself, “Isn’t that interesting!” instead of getting frustrated.

Make it your intention to avoid using the word “but” and replace it with the word “and” when it is a better fit. Even when you think you are expanding on the other person’s idea if you use the word “but” they will probably think you are disagreeing. The actual physical receptor parts of our brains have more contact points for negative things than positive. Therefore, people are wired to see and hear negative thoughts and experiences. This means that you need to work extra hard at being positive to compensate for negativity. Everyone is two times more likely to notice something negative than they are to notice something positive. Develop the discipline to stay positive.

Order your life so that you are ready because Sunday is always the big day in church. Tell yourself that this Sunday is special because it is; it is the Lord’s Day. You are much more in control of your mood than you may think. Here is an illustration. You could be having a big argument in your home with everyone in a bad mood. If the phone rings in the middle of the fray you can pick up the phone and sound all nice and cheery. You are in control if you choose to be.

We have a “circadian rhythm” or biological 24-hour clock that we understand more than what I want to cover next. We are aware that our bodies and souls get out of sorts when we don’t get the proper sleep, nutrition and exercise. That is more obvious than this next point. We also have a “heptadian rhythm.” (Actually, I thought it would make me sound smart to make that term up!) Here is the deal. “Hepta” simply means “seven.”

Some sources suggest there is evidence from nature that even the animals work on a seven-day cycle. I don’t know about that. I do know that humans are built to live on a seven-day cycle because God set it up that way and codified it in the Ten Commandments. “Remember the Sabbath Day by keeping it holy.” (Exodus 20:8-11) This is not a secondary issue. “Holy” has the basic meaning of “dedicated, consecrated or set apart.” Set apart from what and to what? Exodus 20:8-11 makes it clear that it is set apart from work. That is not just “work for pay”; it is also household chores and family maintenance. Sunday is not grass cutting day or shopping day. Sunday is a day when you don’t work. Sunday is a day when you do other things that are set apart. I won’t dig into this further here but I hope you get the point.

The anchor event of this special day is gathering with God’s people on the day in which we celebrate the resurrection like the early believers did. Therefore, if you are not in church as a regular pattern on Sunday, something is wrong. You need to fix that to the degree it is in your power. Now catch this connection. Most people who already count your church as their church home are not there about half the time or more. If you are not with your church people more than half the time on Sunday, then probably your Sunday needs a serious tune up. And if your Sunday needs a serious tune up you are violating the human principle of “heptadian rhythm” designed by God. Just like you will get out of sorts with yourself if you mess with your “circadian rhythm” you will also get out of sorts with the church people if you mess with your “heptadian rhythm.”

The bottom line is, the more people don’t show up in church on Sunday the more out of sorts your church people will be. You must be the one who sets the pace by becoming an example of how to get it right. There is a great deal of research that proves this point. You can read up about it by Googling almost any subject such as “church attendance and mental health” or “church attendance and happiness.”

A key factor in developing your joy quotient for life is to saturate yourself with the Bible. For example, Paul’s letter to the Philippians uses the concept of “joy” at least sixteen times and all that within the span of about 2,300 words. Two chapters of this book are about that many words. It may help to separate the current concept of happiness from the joy Paul is talking about.

Happiness as defined in contemporary society has more to do with the release of chemicals in the brain that give us feelings of satisfaction. God made us to feel these pleasant emotions. However, joy runs deeper than that. Despite the circumstances in which we find ourselves we can take a longer view looking to long term productivity for the Kingdom of God. Study the letter to the Philippians and you will see how much joy Paul gained from knowing other people were working with him to pick up and spread the wonderful Gospel message. It would never have occurred to Paul to be joyful about his latest new possession or even lack of it. (see Philippians 4:15) There are a pile of difficulties mentioned in Philippians—prison, persecution, enemies, false teachers, church discord and more. That is not what Paul features. He concentrates on the progress of people and the spreading of the Gospel. You can too.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.” (Psalm 100:4)

20.

I Have Focus on Sunday

Life is hard. But is it really? Yes and no. Since you are reading this book in English, your life is not likely as hard as the lives of people who can’t read. And some people only speak the language of small tribes where it is much more difficult.

Definitely everyone’s life has its share of difficulties. Some, way more than others. In his musing Job said, “Mortals, born of woman, are of few days and full of trouble.” (Job 14:1) And many read that and say, “You’ve got that right Job!” Or as an old Ray Charles and Jimmy Lewis song says, “If I didn’t have bad luck; I wouldn’t have no luck at all.” So, that touches on the bad part.

I expect you can push back and talk about some of the good parts. There is so much to encourage us. Then again as an old hymn says, “When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed, When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.”

The focal point here needs to be on what you can add to the beauty of life—not how well you can describe the trials.

It is easier to agree that you want to put in more than you take out of this world than it is to do it. And you won’t add more if you don’t have a plan. You will never get through all the difficulties in life so that you will then be able to find time to do some good. As much as you can, do good while in the middle of the trials of life. Think for a moment. How often does your phone ring when you are in the middle of a trial? Probably not often enough. Others have that same experience and you can be the one to show you care.

The best place by far to get yourself to do some good is through the church. The famous church historian Kenneth Scott LaTourette said this of the church, “No one of its rivals possessed so powerful and coherent a structure as did the church. No other gave its adherents quite the same feeling of coming into a close knit community.” Your investment in church life is critical to making a positive contribution on this planet in the short time you are going to live here. You will need to agree with yourself that you must make that contribution even though life is hard. Life is hard. Then you die.

Life is busy. Where does the time go?

You intend to do so many good things but run out of time.

Of course, nobody has less time than anyone else. We all get 24 hours a day. The people who get more things done are those who get up and get at their day until it is time to go to bed.

I was in grade seven. This was way over my head. The teacher wrote on the blackboard this sentence. “Procrastination is the thief of time.” I knew what time was. I knew this must be important because I knew that a thief was not a person you wanted to deal with. But I had no idea what procrastination meant. My teacher explained it; I understood it; I never forgot the sentence. Now I realize that much of what has gone wrong with my life was a result of that terrible thief. I have taken the ticks on the clock and let them fly off into oblivion much more than I should have. Those ticks never come back. The older I get the faster the ticks seem to fly away. Killing time is murder. I never had a moment to kill then and I don’t have now. Neither do you.

One day in seven set aside for rest, worship, reflection and resetting is a great idea because it is God’s idea. We all need to make that one day as special as it can be. It drives me to distraction to see how many people can’t get their bodies on a bench in time on Sunday morning. It is clear to me their Sundays are mismanaged. They overstay their divine welcome to rest and show God great disrespect by not getting to the right place at the right time on Sunday.

When do you think a stranger is going to show up in church for the first time? Do you think they will arrive before or after the posted start time? Right. Before. If you show up at or after the posted start time what possibility is there that you can have a meaningful conversation with that stranger at the time the stranger needs a comforting voice before the meeting begins?

Church operates like a funnel. The open wide mouth at the top of the funnel is your weekend event often called the Sunday Service. That is the place to begin your life contribution for humanity. Perhaps you need to review Chapter 6 to make sure you grasp the nature of this funnel.

You can never fit everything in. You must limit your choices. But you can fit Sunday church in. You must. Probably you already do. But if your church is going to avoid the slow certain death I referred to earlier, more people must devote more attention to what they do with the Sunday meetings. I want you to see that a good Sunday focus requires concentration not procrastination. The rest of your week might be hard and busy but that will never give you a valid excuse to let Sunday slip on by with your concentrated effort.

Every believer must get a grip on what to do with Sunday. Part of that grip is how to deal with the people around you when you gather. All the people are important but you can’t relate to them all because time is limited. I am going to give you a Sunday strategy with exact things to do every week. But I still think you need to shore up the foundations before I get to those details.

The first simple rule is that Sunday is the gateway to all else in church life. Get Sunday right and you are on your way to a much more satisfying and productive life.

21.

I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 1)

Get yourself up and running on Sunday so you can prove your worship through your body “as a living sacrifice.” “Then you will be able” to use Sunday “to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2) Make Sunday your best day by getting to bed in good time Saturday night. Actually, if you start getting ready for Sunday on Saturday you will increase the probability of a great day.

There are four steps to take every week to make each Sunday more blessed than the previous one. It takes some discipline to get yourself into a new operating method but when you do it will explode your effectiveness and fulfillment. However, if you don’t change, you will stay the same and continue with your current level of blessing.

Step #1: Reflect

The New Testament speaks of the church as a body where all the parts interact with each other. The relational dimension is love among God’s people. The nature of that love is much more about intentionally doing things that demonstrate love than it is about the feelings that often accompany loving actions.

The church usually has its main gatherings on Sunday. These meetings bring some of the components that remind us of an entertainment event. Many people attend church on a Sunday as if it is like attending a movie, concert, opera or sporting event. You can sit in the seat by yourself—perhaps beside a family member or two—enjoy the event and then leave without relating to anyone other than with a warm smile, a handshake and a quick greeting.

And sadly for some, Sunday church is only an event for their individual consumption. They come; they sit; they soak it in; they leave a little different in some cases. And that’s not good enough. We can all do better. But how?

It starts with thinking about it every week before Sunday. Perhaps you know that the Jewish Sabbath started at sundown the day before. That is a powerful pattern. Some time management specialists encourage their clients to think about the schedule for the next day before they finish the current day. Both those patterns take advantage of your sleep. When you go to sleep, your brain stays active. It thinks about what you were thinking about when you were awake in the hours before sleep. So, if you are wise you create happy endings to your days as best you can. It is even better when you create purposeful and happy endings to your week. Your brain tries to sort things out and file into long term memory what you need to remember. And it tries to flush away what should be forgotten.

If you had a difficult day or a thorny problem to resolve, your brain will invent weird and repetitive dreams. You will tend to have restless nights if there is unfinished business in your life.

You can trick your brain into letting go with two important strategies. If you are afraid you will forget something, write it down so your brain can let go. Keep a pad beside your bed and in the dark just write one key word. That will do it for you. Secondly, if you can’t find a solution to something that is bothering you, tell yourself this isn’t a good time to try to solve that and set a precise time when you will reopen your internal discussion about what to do. Be specific. Set an appointment with yourself. For example, you might say to yourself, “Instead of watching TV tomorrow evening I am going to sit in my special place, ponder, pray and plan how to deal with this.”

Starting before Sunday there is much to do to enhance your worship. Get your eyes on what is right. All believers should set aside Sunday as one day in seven especially focused on the Lord, his work and his people.

Reflection # 1

It is essential to reflect on the greatness and grace of God. Get beyond how blessed you are to live where you live and beyond the joy you may experience because of your loved ones. Look to the Lord and his steadfast love that remains even when all else fails. Renew your commitment to becoming more and more the “living sacrifice” Paul talked about in Romans 12:1-2.

Reflection #2

Your reflection plan must include your own life. That is important too. You are not yet all that you hope to become but by God’s grace you are not what you once were. I know that because you are this deep into a book that most others will have set aside by now. You are not as self-focused as you used to be. You are ready to change. You have dusted off the sacrifice and it is still alive!

Reflection #3

Assess your relationships with others because that too is important. The Christian responsibility is to meet the needs of others. Reflect on simple needs and straightforward solutions you can be a part of. It is this third kind of reflection that is missing in many places.

Learn to reach back into memory and think about who was there the last time—or perhaps not there. When someone comes to mind you haven’t noticed recently, give them a quick and immediate phone call on Saturday evening. If you thought about that person, then you can take it as an assignment from the Lord that it is your job to talk to them personally.

There are three different kinds of people to reflect about in advance of Sunday morning.

You will find that if you pray about the Lord giving you some special service to perform with someone, he will give it to you. What might otherwise seem like a random contact will turn to a meaningful conversation for eternity and perhaps a lifelong relationship. You may not see that at the time. It could be months or even years before the seeds you plant develop. Be patient with everyone but keep on sharing your life and in the right season you will reap a harvest.

22.

I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 2)

When you think about your Sunday experience and what you expect, many things will pop into your mind. You might review your role assignment for the day such as greeting, ushering, teaching or musical involvement. You might think of your need for a sermon that will help you or someone you know. You might look forward to the music you will experience together. But you will also think of the joyful meeting of people you know. You will think of taking comfort from their warm greetings and perhaps even a few meaningful conversations. If you are not very intentional you might miss the best part.

Step #2: Recognize

It is not automatic for most people and so this will take some adjusting. Recognize the places where you need to concentrate your attention. You can’t relate to everyone nor can you help everyone. But you can relate to someone and you can help someone. Further—stay with me here—you can support and help someone you can’t personally help, by taking steps to encourage another Christian who is in closer alignment to the one you don’t relate to well to take on the relationship. Point other strong believers in the direction of needs they can fill and you will magnify your impact. “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.” (Romans 15:1) It really helps if the people you know around you realize they are on the same team and when you hand them a relationship like handing off a ball, you are hoping they will run with it.

It takes concentration to recognize where and how to serve people. Learn to put in the time and effort to grow in your capacity.

Pray that the Lord will elevate your awareness of how to move the ministry forward. In your prayerful attitude allow for time to quietly listen for names and images to come to your mind. Then make sure these are the ones you reach out to first whenever possible.

Imagine a church where all the workers in the church push themselves to think about others and how they can pave their walk with God for them. This creates a loving church. People need to be loved, accepted, acknowledged, complimented and encouraged.

New relationships require a friendly but tentative approach. Resist the urge to advise strangers about what to do. You will learn that if you ask instructive questions people usually will answer in a way that they advise themselves on a better approach to their lives. They will tell you how they can improve their own life more often than you might imagine. Then you can ask how you can support them in creating the action they have promised themselves they will take.

There will be times when you need to rebuke another but be very careful about that. There may be facts about their past or current situation that would be helpful to know so you can properly tune your message and its intensity. Public spaces where others may observe is usually not a good place for a rebuke. Take the person aside where others won’t hear if you have strong words to say.

Your task is to recognize what you need to see. If you are worried about what others think of you, you will miss what you are supposed to see. Use your ears, your eyes and especially your heart to gather the perception you need so that others can be blessed. You might notice someone off to the side who is hoping to talk to you. Pay attention to that possibility.

Ask the Lord to arrange appointments for you in these conversations. When you do, you will be amazed at how much more you recognize needs. God will cause you to be at the right place at the right time for just the conversation you needed to have. But you have to look out for such conversations. If all you are doing is looking for your friends to talk to you simply won’t see what you should be doing.

On a personal note, I park our car down the street in a parking lot by a ball diamond. I do that for two reasons. It leaves a spot in the church lot for someone else. Our church lot has no empty spaces on any Sunday. Some park on the street but I park down the street. That gives me a special time. First of all, it is no big deal. It takes me three minutes to do the walk and I can always use more exercise. During this three minute walk, I always—and I do mean always—have a prayer time. I ask the Lord to give me the conversations he wants me to have with the people he wants me to talk to. Frankly, I don’t always start that walk from the car in the zone I need to be in. This takes work for me. I suspect the enemy tries to get me to be withdrawn or grumpy. I have found that every week—no exceptions—I have at least one conversation that is deeply meaningful with someone who I don’t know well and often with someone who is new to the church.

Then, on my three-minute walk back to my car after the meeting I make mental notes. I try hard to remember the matters that are important to other people so I can follow up with them. Often I must write things down or I will probably forget. It is not possible for you or me to remember everything. It is very possible to forget something you were sure you would remember. Don’t trust your internal memory. Create external memories by making a record of things you need to remember. Even a one word note will probably be all you need to jog your memory.

This business of recognizing what should be recognized is not as difficult as you might think. For example, if your job were to pick up the garbage on the church lawn, you would notice every candy wrapper because you were looking for such litter. However, you wouldn’t be looking out for new people and you might not notice them unless you accept that as another task you must recognize. Make it your plan every Sunday to look out for new people and you will see a few. As we have covered earlier, once you find such a person it isn’t your job to pounce on them like a cat on a mouse! You can casually position yourself in such a way that after the meeting you run into each other. Since the focus of this book is on talking to strangers, it follows that you need to develop the skill of recognizing new people and gently engaging them in initial friendly conversations. Every Sunday make this your business and partner with your Savior to start a pattern of ministry. You never know where he might lead!

23.

I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 3)

Everyone I ever met thinks they have a memory problem. It is as if people expect their memory to work like a computer so that they can recall whatever they wish at will. Perfect memory escapes us all. However, you can improve your memory significantly by employing new techniques. This isn’t a book about memory but you can certainly find some good ones to study. Go to Amazon and invest as little as a buck and then an evening learning how to improve. That is much better than making excuses about your normal memory you have counted as defective, isn’t it?

Step #3: Remember

Since you may have forgotten already, remember this is a four-step plan for every Sunday. Flip back and review Steps #1 and #2. Then move on to this step.

One of the reasons we forget is that we fail to understand the significance of what we learn in the first place. Little things matter much more than most of us realize. If someone tells you they have a job interview on Tuesday afternoon, make a note to yourself to phone them on Monday or Tuesday evening. They will be so blessed you thought of them. Pay attention to exams, games or important events others tell you about and remember to ask them how things went.

When you meet someone new, their name might just go in one ear and out the other if you don’t work at it. You think you will remember, but be safe and mark it down for yourself. Remember people’s names and call them by their name the next time you see them. You might think you can get away without using their name and you are probably correct. But if you use their name a few times through a conversation you will let people know how important they are. Learn a new habit with this if you aren’t good at it yet. You will get better and better with practice over time.

One special way you can show people how much you care is to send them a real physical card through the mail. You can remember special days this way and you can also simply remember special times. Thank people for investing time with you even when you are actually the one who is investing in them. There is an old adage that is very true. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

There are three different kinds of relationships to think about in advance of Sunday morning.

Remember who you talked to last time and how you need to follow up. Call to mind the demeanor and body language they exhibited and identify who might need an encouraging word from you. These are people you know at some level; there could be many. You probably won’t be able to have engaging conversations with all of them but you can spread your love to a few. And if you uncover some fact about their life that needs some tender loving care from another church member you can pass on the message.

Think about the people you may not have met yet who could use a warm conversation with you. Particularly think about those who are most likely to be at the same stage or in a similar station in life as yourself. You should relate to people in all socioeconomic positions with equal respect. However, it is likely people more like you, they will align easier with you than with someone who is from another generation, occupation etc. Therefore, for their sake you should reach out to newer or unconnected people who are somewhat like you—not because you find them more attractive or easy to relate to but because they will find you a better social fit than some others who are not like them.

Think about the people God has for you to invest in. You must—not should—but must make special investment in mentoring others. This is not about you finding friends or being a friend; it is more than that. It is about helping someone to move forward in their life towards a closer walk with Jesus. Build and strengthen bridges with such people. Over time you will find yourself moving into a closer relationship where such people look to you for mentoring and leadership. There is a place for peer support. However, in contrast, the one with more life experience should be passing on the benefit of that experience to the one who hasn’t had it yet. Generally speaking, that person will be younger than you by perhaps a decade. All people need to get input from those who have already gone through what they are about to go through. You need to be thinking in terms of becoming a mentor of someone younger than yourself.

You will meet your other friends at church as well. If you are not intentional they will simply consume all your time and you won’t get to your service with others. That is why you need to think about all this before you leave the house. If you anticipate an awkward or difficult conversation, play over in your mind the things you want to say and how you will respond to the things your contact might say back to you. You are going to church to worship by being like Jesus and serving others. Along the way of doing that you too will receive blessing.

You should remember other things every weekend. This gets personal and we don’t like to think about it. Satan wants you to not want to do what you should do. If you let your mood drive your actions, you are likely to fail. All of us have a problem with will power; we just have a habit of failing in different areas of life. God has endowed all people with the power to choose. However, since Adam and Eve our power to choose has become deeply flawed. Our hearts are by nature messed up. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Do you recall that I quoted that verse earlier?

Here are some things to remember about yourself. By nature you push back on things that make you feel uncomfortable even though you know they are true. You are habitual. Your habits are not all bad. However, not talking to strangers is a really bad habit. Your habits are stubborn and need constant re-evaluation.

Here is a new mantra for you, “If all were just like me, where would this church be?” Just because you get some things correct doesn’t mean you can get uppity about what you get right! But in the things you need to fix, try that saying on for size. “If all sat on the aisles like me, where would this church be?” Or how about, “If all were as late as me, where would this church be?” Or maybe, “If all took as many weeks off as me, where would this church be?”

Remember that how you live ripples out to many others. When you fail, others quietly lose heart. When you succeed, a few others take heart, respect you and want to replicate your strengths.

You make a much bigger impact than you know now and than you will ever know. The longer you live positively the more you will find that people come back many years later with positive remembrances of your example.

So, in addition to remembering all the people and logistics, remember how easy it is for you to forget.

24.

I Have a Sunday Plan (Part 4)

Every Sunday you are now coming prepared for the big event. You expect the platform people to prepare for their parts. The better they prepare the better things go. It is too easy to assume that in addition to remembering all their details related to the service they are the ones who should also be friendly. Yes, they should and you should make their jobs much easier by picking up on conversation they may have started so you can relieve them of pressure.

The fourth step in your Sunday plan involves taking a proactive holistic approach to make things run smoothly. There will always be something that doesn’t go exactly as planned and since you now have eyes in the back of your head you can be a great support.

Step #4: Reinforce

Every weekend when you follow this plan you will invest considerable time thinking and planning your every move. You will notice a church full of imperfect people conducting themselves imperfectly while they attempt to do what they came to do. Yes, you will see the people who came to be served with no intention of doing anything other than drinking it all in. Never let that get you down. Learn to say to yourself, “Isn’t that interesting!” You will see people “amening” all over the house and acting like they are fully on board and never lifting a finger to help anyone with anything. When such a person makes even the smallest move forward you can be an encouragement to them and perhaps they will take one more step next time.

Concentrate your words on positive things. These are words that invite people to more life and vitality. They don’t want to hear you reject their ideas in the same way you don’t like it when others reject what you are saying. Even when someone is wrong you usually don’t need to tell them so.

Remember to avoid using the word “but” and replace it with the word “and” whenever possible. Work hard to be positive without sounding defensive. If disagreeing with others is a difficult habit to break try developing some transitional phrases to use such as, “Have you considered ...” “Perhaps there is a broader perspective on that ...” “That is a good point and perhaps we should include ...” Develop the habit of agreeing as much as you can. Hold back on your readiness to interrupt when someone is making a point you don’t agree with. Learn to take a deep breath before you start speaking. You can always say, “I’ll have to think about that.” Then show that you did actually think about it by opening the subject again in a consequent conversation.

Staying positive is hard to do when there are so many bad things happening all around. You will be capable of much more positive thinking and language when you are well rested. Saturday night is no time to stay up late because it will tend to ruin your Sunday morning. Sunday is the day everyone needs to be at the top of their game.

Thank all the participants who lead in church meetings with sincere thanks. And thank all the participants who follow in the church meeting as well. Remind them how much joy they have given you by simply being there.

These ideas over four chapters for a Sunday plan blend into one another and each step is necessary. It is very easy to underestimate the power of these things. You might not think your part is significant but it is. Every little bit helps. When a goodly number of people in a church take this approach every week it makes for a happy vibrant church. You are a big part of that. You don’t want to fail in your job. Some people do this quietly where others barely notice. Others are more outgoing personalities and appear to find this easy. It isn’t as easy as you might think for them either. They just work hard at it.

If all this is new to you, you can expect that it will feel awkward to you at first. As with most skills in life you are bad at it before you start to get good at it. And even at that you will continue to feel you need to get better no matter how good you get. Never give up and hide behind the notion that you will just do things behind the scenes and let others build the relationships. It might be true that you conduct more behind the scenes support which is positive. It is also good that people see your face and hear your words. That is what makes people so special as the only ones of God’s creatures who can communicate with words! Words and body language are key components to a life of love. You can’t fully love somebody you don’t know. And you can’t know somebody you don’t talk to. Therefore, you have to get out of yourself and reach out. Walk across the room. Reach out down the pew. Take responsibility for the perimeter around you.

When your whole team of church members gets good at this you will automatically drift to places in the environment that don’t have others taking ownership of the space. With a well-tuned sports team each player moves around the field or court like a bunch of professionals, not like young children who all bunch up around the ball. The two best players don’t stand beside each other talking about how the rest of the team should act. Just for a little while move away from the church people you love so much and reach out to those who need your warm smile.

Make it your ambition to love more and more in simple actions taken to reinforce the overall plan of growing a healthy church family and you will be deeply and permanently blessed!

25.

I Pray Conversations Into Being

Motherhood, apple pie and prayer. Who doesn’t believe in these standard facts of life? Well for some, apple pie isn’t part of their cultural background. And maybe we don’t believe in prayer as much as we think we do.

Can the title of this chapter actually be true? I believe so. And I want to explain that.

God answers prayers that line up with his declared will. There are many clear dictates about how we should conduct ourselves in church. I have identified at least 129 direct commands for Christians to live by that come from the Bible and that have to do with how we deal with each other in church. If we pray in the direction the Lord has commanded, of course, he will answer.

In order for you to get the results you want you have to do what the Lord asks of you. All of us must bring our commitments to our circumstances. If we don’t we will easily become the victims of our circumstances. If I find myself saying, “I haven’t had a chance to ...” it is usually that I have not brought a commitment to create the circumstances. I have let the circumstances overwhelm my commitments.

Further, I must bring my choices to his commands. That is, as a loyal soldier responding to a commanding officer, I make the choice to do what I am directed to do by the Word of God.

These two factors are the basis on which I can point out these facts. “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9) We are commanded to “Greet one another with a kiss of love.” (1 Peter 5:14) We are commanded to “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10) I am responsible to look out for the other person’s needs. “If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?” (1 John 3:17) “Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.” (Hebrews 13:2) I don’t think I need to go on to prove the point. Therefore, I get to do what the Lord has set out for me to do. I don’t have to; I get to. I get to prove my love for Him by how I relate to others.

How could it be that the Lord wouldn’t honor any prayer consistent with what he wants?

We learn from the story of Luke 11:1-13 in the illustration of prayer that if we stay at it and ask specifically God will supply what we need. Let’s think in terms of this story. A neighbor comes to a friend at midnight to cover his emergency need for three loaves of bread -- not just bread -- but three loaves to feed an unexpected guest from afar. Not one and not four. How he arrived at this number is undeclared. But he knew exactly what he needed and got it because he persisted.

I encourage you to ask the Lord for three conversations that are clearly heart-to-heart, or on the way toward heart-to-heart, every time you meet. I further encourage you to ask that those conversations be with people you don’t usually converse with. If you choose to pray in that direction you will be amazed at the richness of conversations the Lord brings to you. Such conversations will move you; they will fulfill you; they will feel significant to you. You don’t want to just be successful in life; you want to be significant. If you got this far in this book it is clear you really want God to use you. He will use you if you take on a little discomfort at putting all that we have covered together into action.

More specifically, make it your habit to pray that the Lord will open three conversations because you take initiative at every meeting of the church. The time these conversations get started is almost always about 15 minutes before and after the meeting. I call those times the “red zones.” God can’t answer your prayer if you are not there on time and plan to linger after the meeting. If you are not there in the “red zones” you will disqualify yourself from the blessing. Why would you ever do that?

You will have amazing conversations. Some of them will burden your soul and others will simply lift you up because you are lifting someone else. You might not get three every week but I expect, based on my experience, you will average three. Personally, I ask for five and while I haven’t tracked it exactly, I seldom leave the parking lot without the ability to identify five.

The key is to understand that the conversation starts in the “red zones” and daisy chains from one conversation to another. Soon you will find the conversations spill out of the “red zone” into your home, the telephone, texting or email. It may be that you follow an ongoing conversation with a person for three weeks in the “red zones” before the spill over occurs. The spill over could be to other participation elements at church. Remember the 4 Cs of church participation? Or the spill over could be a shared event at shopping, a concert or sporting event. You simplymust pray up the start and see where the road takes you.

Prayer is important in this process for a number of reasons. First of all, the Lord loves to hear your prayers. That shows how much you have learned that it is not all about you. And he answers. In addition, prayer makes you more aware of what God may be doing in others. He will tune your heart to see people you might not otherwise notice. Then, there is a wonderful mystery. Without you having a clue the Lord will work in the other person’s heart. They may even be praying for someone to enter their life with help or truth. You thus pray yourself into the position of being the answer to their prayer. Seriously, this will happen if and only if you give it a chance.

You have morning rituals whether you know it or not. You do things in the same order every day in the waking up and self-beautification process. Add this prayer to the process. For example, you brush your teeth. Pray this prayer for three conversations while brushing your teeth if that works for you. Form a new habit and you will pray conversations into being.

26.

I Bring People to Jesus

Jesus taught this, “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (Matthew 7:13-14) He also said, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10b) He was eager to let people in—not keep people out. Every believer must be eager as well.

Some strangers in church come looking for salvation and don’t have a clear idea of what it is they need. However, there is something that catches their attention. The love of believers for one another is the most compelling force because it authenticates the message. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35) Therefore, you must give that stranger a chance to experience the love. They must want “some of that.” Your love for them is important but only understandable as they see it in the proper context of a church meeting. That love must be present in all 4 Cs. (See Chapter 6 if you forget.)

Love is never based on manipulation but it does contain persuasion. Love allows for a process as someone comes to Jesus at their own speed. If the person doesn’t want to know the plan of salvation it may be ill-advised to force them to hear it. However, when a stranger is eager to hear, you must have a plan to let them know.

This is not a book about evangelism but the objective ultimately includes evangelism. Therefore, we won’t dwell on how to present the Gospel. Suffice it to say there are many ways to do that effectively. There are several principles to bear in mind as you walk with a new friend so they are brought toward Jesus.

Presence, Proclamation, Persuasion

Effective Gospel presentation benefits from all three elements.

Paul said, “How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent?” (Romans 10:14) That is Presence and Proclamation. Paul’s pattern included Persuasion over time. “Every Sabbath he reasoned in the synagogue, trying to persuade Jews and Greeks.” (Acts 18:4) We too must use all three factors.

A Nutshell Presentation

You need a way to present the Gospel that is direct and clear—that is the Proclamation. You don’t need to be the presenter but it helps if the presentation to your new friend is made in your presence. For example, you may wish to use a YouTube video of “The Romans Road to Salvation.” For that matter, it is helpful if the presenter is someone from your church. It is useful to have a resource to follow because it keeps you from getting off track. You might develop your own. Your personal testimony should be part of the recipe. Why not make your own video of your personal journey to salvation?

The foundation of the presentation must be the Bible. Long after you are gone the Bible will remain. Never let anyone rest their faith in you or any other presenter.

There are some powerful resources to use. “The Jesus Film” has been viewed by millions across hundreds of cultures. It has been translated into over 1400 languages. “The Gospel of John Movie” is a word for word presentation of the Gospel of John. Watch these with your friend. They are both freely available on YouTube. Find the best environment for viewing. You can’t do this comfortably on a tablet in a coffee shop. There are other more interpretive fanciful movies on the life of Jesus that require some explanation. Stay away from these as foundational resources but don’t avoid them. No doubt, more will be produced over time. You need to be there to help provide a filter and feedback source.

A Person to Follow

You should plan to be the one that stranger points to as the person who directed them to Jesus. It is helpful for that new friend to identify their change point—the time and place they were born again. Not everyone has that exact memory, nor is it essential but the new birth is. More often than not that new believer can identify the most instrumental individual. Consider taking someone with you to the person’s home so at the time you anticipate the new friend coming to Christ so that third person can see how it is done and share the joy. Just as the newly hatched duck follows the first thing it sees as its mother, so you should recognize your role as the one a new believer can follow as you point them to Jesus.

A Family Orientation

While people come to Christ one at a time, the event should never be taken out of the context of their household. There are examples in the New Testament of whole households coming to Christ at the same time. That is an ideal you should strive for even though it is not always possible. Make every effort to deal with married couples as a unit whenever you can. Offer the decision-making process to the teenagers and children in the home as well. Don’t treat people in isolation; they all need the knowledge and support of others and it is best if that support starts at home. I don’t think it is wise to attempt to lead a child to Christ outside of parental knowledge and supervision. Always think in terms of how you would like to be treated in similar circumstances. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:31) This golden rule only works if you realize you are “it.” It doesn’t say don’t harm people if you wouldn’t like to be harmed. Show love and respect to the whole family.

A Language of the Heart

Language is the major means of meaning exchange. We choose our words based on the definitions we hold and the emotional connections to those words. Others may assign different meaning to words we use. At its core think about this. The name “Jesus” means so much to a believer but it is simply a swear word to many unbelievers. It is as if the words out of our mouths are like trucks carrying cargo. Somehow the cargo is changed and the words enter the receiver’s ears with different meaning. Therefore, we must take care to confirm the receiver is getting the message we are sending. The first language a person learns is the language that conveys the deepest meaning for them. The best way to communicate with someone is in their original language. Of course, we can never learn their language as well as they know it. In some cases, you can find someone from the same first language to help you convey meaning. Always consider that first language as the best one to communicate in wherever possible.

While there are several resources and forces the Holy Spirit may use, never allow yourself to become passive with that new friend. Count yourself in on the process as they come to Christ. Learn how to find and use the tools to bring people to Jesus.

27.

I Am a Sponsor

Most of us arrive at the Sunday morning meeting sensing the desire to get in touch with God and to receive a touch from Him. Sometimes people go away after the meeting having been pumped up a little only to find they have run down before the day is done.

In the 1200s after a turnaround from his debauched youth, Saint Francis in his famous prayer is noted to have said this, “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace ... For it is in giving that we receive.” And there are other great themes in that short prayer. What he learned was that his personal sense of life and meaning had to be based on what Jesus said, “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” (Mark 8:35)

The way to get charged up for living is from giving. Never is there a better worship experience than when the people of God give away their selfish needs and perceptions in favor of meeting the needs of others.

One simple way to live this out is for every Christian to consider themselves a sponsor for someone else who is a little further behind them on the road of life. Since church experience is the greatest force for positive relational change, taking someone by the hand and drawing them into that wholesome uplifting experience is a wonderful thing to do.

Sponsoring a stranger into your church is one superb way to bless yourself while you bless someone else. Win Arn’s research shows that those strangers need to become friends with at least seven people in the first six months or they will be vulnerable to reevaluating their continued participation. If you personally find a stranger with whom you have something in common, you can be the advocate for that individual or family.

Start by obeying this verse, “Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.” (Hebrews 13:2) Have that individual or family into your home if at all possible. It doesn’t matter to them if your home is a modest apartment. It does matter if you, “Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.” (Romans 12:13) It doesn’t matter if your hut has a mud floor; sweep it if it makes you feel better.

Bear in mind that when you meet someone for the first time you do have life stories to share. Your guest may come to you ready to open up and tell their story first. But if not you can tell your story. Stay out of the details but be transparent at the same time. Your life isn’t likely a straight line, so when you share it don’t be afraid to refer to a valley or two.

As you are listening to their story your mind is likely to wander. Stop it! Listen carefully. You can let yourself think of all the links you should create later. Even after you meet you can ask the Lord who would be good people for you to make introductions with. For example, if someone mentions their former occupation from years ago you might think of someone who is from the same occupation group. You want to find the people where their lives overlap in some way.

As a sponsor your job is to find the overlapping parts so that the circle of one person’s life has something in common with the other person’s life. Once you have found an overlapping area or interest then you have a simple way to say to your new friend (who used to be a stranger), “I would like to introduce you to so-and-so because they too are from Timbuktu.” Maybe you will need to prod your older friend to also set up a meeting with your new friend.

That stranger you meet will likely require some encouragement to move them through the church funnel. Therefore, you will probably want to ask something like, “Why don’t I pick you up Saturday morning and go together to the breakfast?” Your new friend is likely to respond, “Oh, you don’t need to do that; I can come by myself. I don’t want to put you out.” And your response should be, “But if I pick you up we can get to know each other better.” Your new friend might not realize they will find it stressful to walk into another new context. On Saturday morning, you can be quite sure they will have several excuses to pick from to stay away this time. They will too easily say to themselves that they will go to the next meeting instead. Sponsors work to build the relationship and push doors open where the person might not do so on their own.

You can’t productively take this approach with too many people at a time but you can with one. Find the one and then work at it. You may find that you can handle up to about four people at a time at various stages. You will know you have finished the sponsoring part of your job when you see the one who used to be a stranger bouncing into the church and talking with the other friends they have met. When you see them in animated conversation it will bring you joy. This doesn’t mean you will ever distance yourself from this person but it does mean that once they feel they are a part of the church the two of you will find each other naturally and pick up where you left off. You can relax when several other connections seem strong.

Then if you get on a roll you will have the opportunity to teach your new friend to become a sponsor of others. Teach them how to do it; you already will have set the example which is a big piece of the training! You can also buy them a copy of this book to read.

You as an individual can’t give all your attention to new people but you can give a good portion of it to the new people at the time they are most likely to arrive in your parking lot—that is Sunday morning.

I am not advocating that you ignore your pre-existing church friends. I am advocating that you give high priority to new people and get their friendships started with your pre-existing friends. You can get your catch up done with your church friends in other ways. Sunday morning is not the time for you to work out administrative details about the other ministries you are involved with; it is the time to extend your friendship to others. You don’t have to give up your other service roles and friendships to become a sponsor and welcome people in one at a time. When everyone is on the unofficial welcoming team this is simple, natural and by no means tedious. Serve the Lord with gladness by becoming a sponsor.

28.

I Want to Grow

It is always a mistake to think that everyone thinks the same. It is a bigger mistake to think everyone thinks just like you. The even bigger mistake is to believe everyone should think just like you. When you make the grand mistake of attempting to make it your life mission to convince everyone to think like you, you push people away and are condemned to a lonely life.

It is always true that everyone wants a better life. It is also true that everyone has some ideas about how to get that better life. The Bible teaches that the most common ways people develop to find a road to a better life lead to destruction. Jesus called that the broad road. He also stated there is a narrow road and only a few find it. That narrow road is more than adequately described in the New Testament.

Just a few primer lessons are in order for those who don’t know and as good reminders for those who do know. Jesus left what we call the Great Commission. Matthew 28:18-20 describe three steps for the disciples to follow. How hard can that be? Step 1 is to make disciples. That puts the initiative on the eleven originally and on us ultimately. Find people who aren’t disciples and make them into disciples. Step 2 immerse them. Yes, I know you think the word is “baptize” but the truth is the word properly translated is “immerse.” Immersion is the divinely ordained way to outwardly show that one is a disciple. Simply put, if you haven’t been immersed as a believer you missed the first step after becoming a believer. That is rather like buying a car and failing to take possession of the key so you can drive it. Step 3 is to teach those baptized believers to obey everything that is commanded.

Those are commands, not suggestions. This is not about teaching information; it is about teaching obedience. The first lesson mentioned in the Gospels about that obedience is to follow Jesus and fish for people. That is not sport fishing; it is the grueling toil of commercial fishing on a very unpredictable lake. Another lesson that is repeated many times by Jesus is to love one another. That command has many applications and all of them have to do with acting out something for the good of other believers. The love even spills over from believers all the way to enemies. Put all that together and you can see that the better life for the Christian is relating to people differently than how those on the broad road live. On the broad road, the rule is don’t hurt anyone and mind your own business. On the narrow road, the rule is find people and bring them to Jesus and his loving church.

Read that paragraph again please and contemplate it carefully. If you are not living like that, why not?

Most Christians say they want to grow. Many feel frustrated in that growth. That is because they seldom do what is required by Jesus. They don’t fish for people and do what love demands with other believers. Therefore, it is no wonder they don’t find themselves changing as much as they wish in the ways they wish they could change. They believe the myth that they could finally take those first few steps if they got rid of all their bad attitudes and habits before the first few steps.

Some believers don’t realize the changing of the rest of their life is dependent on the foundations. They often don’t feel as supported as they wish; that is partly because they don’t support other believers as they should. They hate to admit it but while others seem inspired they feel flat. They try so hard to get themselves “up” by worshiping through the Sunday service but are left with a nagging feeling after the meeting that something must be missing. For them it is something like a warm bath. They feel great while they are in the water but get the chills as soon as they get out. The reason the inspiration doesn’t work is because they have no heart to go fishing on Monday. Being inspired next Sunday is partly dependent on going fishing next Saturday. Eventually, many give up on church or on “that church” because it isn’t working for them. News flash! The next church isn’t going to be any better if the relationship with it doesn’t include personal application of the first few steps.

Fishing on Monday through Saturday depends on talking to people in the right way. They won’t respond to Jesus without the attractive bait of well-chosen words. If you can’t talk with other believers and new friends on Sunday, then you won’t be much use in the fishing boat assigned to you on Monday. Learn how to talk to people on Sunday as part of your preparation for Monday.

It is the job of the leadership of the church to teach people to obey. This isn’t a matter of wagging a bony finger in the face of a humiliated participant. That tactic creates fleeting compliance at best. Scolding doesn’t work well as a motivational tactic. The change people need is better caught than taught. It is the responsibility of the church to create a system whereby people are encouraged by watching the example of others and then replicating that example.

People don’t think they can do it at first. Perhaps you remember the day you never thought you could learn to move from a tricycle to a bicycle. If you made that move you did so with some encouragement. You may have been left alone to the falls and scrapes that attend that learning. However, you persisted because in your mind’s eye you saw the others who could ride the bicycle and you were determined to join that group. It is much easier when you have someone with a hand on the back of the seat rather than when you can learn that skill all by yourself. Do you see the parallel to changing how you behave in church? You must learn to obey whether or not others around you do so. Your example will inspire others.

Once you have a picture in your mind of the truly friendly church where people support each other in their Christian walk you can supply a glow to others around you that will spread.

29.

I Need to Get Better

If you don’t agree with the premise of that title, then I probably can’t help you much. If you do agree, I can help you focus on some of the right things to do to make a radical difference. I can certainly predict that under normal circumstances you can expect to see your church double its attendance in a decade. I have never seen what I am about to explain fail when applied. It won’t work if it isn’t applied. But I will estimate that if you can get 10-20% of the people in your church to apply what I am about to say you will see radical difference that results in significant numerical growth.

The area I want you to concentrate on is simply to learn how to improve the way you talk to the people the Lord brings your way.

People are the pinnacle of God’s magnificent creation and are the only creatures who are given the gift of language. Do you not marvel when you hear people conversing in a language you do not know? The sounds flow so fluently and are understood across the table but not by you across the room. Your words in the languages you know are just as marvelous. To get better at living one must get better with words.

Fear operates in every set of relationships. The great fear is fear of rejection. Nobody looks for or enjoys rejection. The fear of rejection often shows in what people say or fail to say to each other. This fear operates even in the most intimate relationships of life. People who are married to each other fail at conversation because they won’t let themselves talk about what comes next. They say, “I don’t know.” when they do know but are too hesitant to say what they are thinking. The risk of speaking and feeling rejection of their thoughts is too unbearable so they say nothing and distance grows. It takes effort to say the right things at the right time. It takes thought and practice to know when and how to exert that effort in every relationship. Love demands words and much more than words.

It is not acceptable to say, “But I am quiet.” Quiet people often have some of the most thoughtful and meaningful words. It is not acceptable to use words to put people down or wound them just for the sake of putting them in their place. It is not acceptable to bully people with words. Preachers and politicians alike make very potent bullies. That does not make it right. The better your brain is at creating a flow of words the more careful you must be at making sure those words convey what is helpful. Not everything that can be said should be said. Everything that should be said should not be said at the wrong time or in the wrong place.

With the sensitive and tentative relationship between individuals at church, it is never a good idea to say too much too soon. It is never a good idea to have a conversation characterized by complaining without the end desire of making things better. That is not to suggest there isn’t a time and place to notice what should be fixed. When someone is looking for encouragement they don’t need a further description of what is discouraging. People need hope and we all must learn to be dispensers of hope in what we say and do. That hope needs to be based in reality, not mere platitudes. Christians often irritate others by stating the obvious. When someone is hurting it usually isn’t a good time to blow them off with “God has everything under control!” Or “Maybe the Lord is teaching you something through this.” Nobody you deal with wants you to give them a lecture. There may be time for such one-way communication but it won’t come around on a regular basis.

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11) The skill of using words appropriately doesn’t come automatically. It is a learned skill. All of us trip up many times climbing the path to well-chosen words. Don’t just run off at the mouth and don’t keep your mouth from saying what it should say.

Learn to speak. Learn to be slow to speak and swift to listen. The quantity of words going from one mouth to the other’s ear isn’t the best measure of communication. Sometimes a short comment requires a long response and vice versa. Make it your aim to have good conversation with everyone that crosses your path to the degree that is possible. Especially create the conditions in church for those meaningful conversations.

Once you get good at conversing with the people you already know in church it will further equip you to have better conversations with the ones you don’t know so well.

I am advocating lifelong learning in getting better and better with your use of words along with your ability to hear what other people are attempting to communicate to you.

I made a bold statement in the first paragraph of this chapter. I promised you church growth if you get the words right. Yes, it is that important. What you say to others in your church has an impact for good or ill. Failing to speak has a negative impact almost every time. What you say to people of other generations is really important. You should talk both to older and younger people in terms they appreciate.

When speaking to groups about this I often ask if they remember the first conversation they had when they arrived at the church for the first time. It is a rare person who doesn’t remember that first conversation. I am not talking about the mere greeting at the door. That is nice and necessary but few people mark that encounter as their first conversation. There are exceptions to that. When the person greeting at the door walks the newcomer into the experience and stays with them as their advocate or guide, then that is the conversation they remember. You can set this up by taking your best greeters and having one wait in the wings. When one greeter vacates the greeting spot to walk with someone a new greeter can come from the side to take their place.

I want to try to answer the question about how you can improve on your use of words. This takes some preparation. What you have been doing so far has had some effect but we all can do better. When you think about it you realize that you learned what you say from others and by your own trial and error method. You can improve if you concentrate.

30.

I Wrestle With Fear

Does fear defeat you or do you conquer it? The list of potential fears is very long. You have your set and everyone else has their own which may or may not be like yours.

It is important to realize that courage is not the absence of fear. It is the readiness to fight through the fear to achieve the objective. Most of what goes before in this book is designed to help you understand how critical it is that you conquer your fear of people. When you understand how important you are in the divine plan you become much more willing to use your voice as God intended. “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)

If you feel great weakness in your capacity to talk to people you can diminish it greatly with practice. You will be bad at anything new until you do it often enough so that you get better at it. Then eventually others will tell you how good you are at it. They will think it comes naturally.

I find it notable that people believe I find it easy to talk to people. No I don’t. Actually I would rather hide behind this computer screen. I find it very difficult to talk to people. I also find it very difficult to get people to understand that. They say I work the room like a pro. Well believe me I don’t see it that way from my side of this face. If I let myself I would just as soon go and squirm into a corner and pretend I don’t see other people. Or the current thing to do is look at your phone pretending you are reading something important. People used to come to church for the first time and inspect the bulletin boards—now they just look at their phones.

You might have to take this on faith. Courage and confidence at talking with others grows with effort. I learned to make the effort and am so much better at it than I was years ago. If I had this book to help me then I would have gotten much better much sooner. As it is, I still have a long way to go. But now I find it easier to take the initiative and be the first person to speak. That perhaps is the biggest lesson I had to learn. I had to learn to be the person to say, “Hello” first. You can learn that pattern too.

There is much to bear in mind when you attempt to start a conversation with anyone. First of all, everyone won’t want to talk with you. But don’t let the exceptional grouch or recluse define your ability to converse. Even if one out of ten gives you a cold shoulder or dirty look, that has nothing to do with the other nine out of ten. The best way to deal with an awkward or difficult encounter is to shake it off immediately. Don’t marinate in it. The yucky feeling of embarrassment or rejection won’t go away by dwelling on it. Never let your fear that people might respond negatively to you define your readiness to try to have a conversation. If they don’t want to chat, just let them go. Easy—if you let it be easy.

Most conversations start with a smile. Work on your smile in front of a mirror. The best smiles start small and gradually get wider and brighter. Try it when nobody is looking. Don’t just plaster on a wide grin. Start with a gentle smirk. Think of something funny and you will do this naturally. Then let your smile build until it gets bigger and bigger.

This may seem crazy but try smiling with your eyes and let your mouth stay neutral. This will make you feel self-conscious and you will find yourself laughing at yourself. It’s okay—nobody else is watching. You already spend time in front of a mirror so get better and better at smiling. Seriously. It isn’t as easy as it looks to develop a natural good smile.

Even when you are so scared your mouth is dry and your arm pits are wet use that smile. Never let them see your fear. You don’t even have to say a word at first; just learn to smile. Well, maybe not at everyone but you can smile in the grocery line or as you walk down the street. One of our daughters developed a good line. She was rather shy but learned to talk to people by taking a job in retail. She says everyone should take a job in retail to learn to meet people. What was her good line? “Smile! It will make people wonder what you are up to!”

Next, to overcome your fear just start. Greet the people you do know. And as you see someone you don’t know look them in the eye. They might avoid eye contact at first. Press on with a big smile and a cheery greeting.

I can almost hear some saying, “Yes but what do I say next?” That is one of the great fears about small talk. Many people are afraid they will get stuck and not know what to say next. The more you exercise your small talk muscles, the stronger they get. Don’t give up on yourself. Realize that you can improve rapidly if you are willing to try. You must get reasonably good at small talk before you will ever get to where you want to be. You must do small talk before you get to tall talk.

Small talk is the gateway. Small talk is about things that aren’t particularly important at the personal level between people who don’t know each other well. The other person will only get about as far as talking about the weather forecast. It will be up to you to find ways to ease the conversation forward.

Think about this. The fact that you are meeting this new person in the context of church narrows the range of possible discussion. You already have a lot in common by being at the same place at the same time together. You don’t talk to people when you go to the movies because … well you just don’t. You see, it is not expected that everyone in the movie theater is interested in meeting new acquaintances there. You don’t have to come to the movie with anything in your vocabulary other than perhaps “Excuse me please.” You don’t talk to people when you go to the store because … well you just don’t. But you could. Try it sometime in the hardware store. While standing in front of the display of obscure screws try something like, “I have the hardest time understanding this labeling system” to the person lingering beside you. The first thing you will get is surprise because they don’t talk to people in the hardware store either. However, you might just be surprised as to how often a conversation of pleasant small talk will develop. This conversation will probably stay small but you might learn something about the project your new acquaintance is working on. Perhaps the worst place to go next in small talk is, “What is your name?” That can come later in the conversation.

There is real benefit in practicing your small talk skill in places where the stakes are very low. When it doesn’t work out that the other person responds to you it won’t hurt as much because you really don’t care as much. Every time you try you will have one more repetition to look back on.

31.

I Am Willing to Give It Up

I am guessing. You think you are one of those who is in the group some call introverts. Maybe. Go find a few tests on the Internet and see what you can learn about yourself. These tests force you to choose among alternative ways of thinking and behaving. You must be as honest as you can to get any meaningful results. The longer the test the more likely it will give you an accurate picture of yourself.

My guess is you come out as an ambivert just like me. But then I’m guessing. It is an educated guess because many of us are much more in the middle than at either extreme. An ambivert is somewhere in the middle with both introverted and extroverted characteristics. Personally, I am on the edge of being an extrovert even though I rate as an ambivert. You may not be an extrovert but then some find extroverts more overbearing than interesting. You are what you are and I wouldn’t want to make you over into anyone else. I want you to be the best you can be. But I also hope you won’t simply continue to hide behind fears you developed a long time ago. If you are going to change for the better, it won’t happen by you staying with the same reasoning you have stuck by for years.

Even if you are such an introvert that you can’t even carry on a conversation with yourself yet, you can change. God can change you. Most of the commands in the New Testament that deal with relationships require the use of words. There is a disputed quote allegedly from St. Francis of Assisi. “Preach the gospel, and if necessary, use words.” I don’t care about the source and there is some truth in there, but the thing is, words are necessary. But not empty words. Words backed up by loving actions make all the difference in a church. The words “love” and “one another” are repeated 19 times in the New Testament within the same sentence. Usually that is the simple and direct “love one another.” Loving words backed by actions and actions backed by words are essential to make the church flourish. In fact, there are 59 verses in the New Testament that use the word—it is one word in the Greek—“one another.” Of those usages about half talk about using your voice to back up your attitudes and actions. You can’t know how to love someone you don’t know and you can’t know someone you don’t talk to. So, talk leads to knowledge which must lead to focus loving action.

The first step in conversing with others in church is to become vocal with others in church. You don’t get to speak out during that main meeting on Sunday in most churches. Therefore, for the church to operate it takes much more than a meeting where people sit, sing, study and even sleep and sour! There must be conversation for a church to actually exist.

I grew up in the context of a church where there was a Scripture text on the wall from Psalm 96:9 (KJV) “Worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.” One of the godly elders was bothered by the fact that people entered and didn’t adopt silence but talked with others. He didn’t think that was the time for talk. I wondered about that even as a child. If people didn’t get to chat then, when would they chat? On the other hand, there was a men’s coat room at the back. It was a long narrow space as I recall. I loved to sneak in there and hear the men chattering with each other after the service. I wasn’t there to get my coat. I was there just to soak up the warm sounds of men who cared about each other. My point is that we can plan for all sorts of things in church and we must plan time for people to talk to each other. The more they converse, the more comfortable they will get in those conversations.

So, you must give up your belief that you have little to say or don’t know how to talk to people you don’t know. If your church has more than an attendance of about 50 at its main meeting nobody knows everybody. And it could be that somebody knows nobody. Everybody is responsible to take initiative and talk to somebody. If you only accept responsibility to say hello to people you know and take it no further you are weakening the church.

Also, you must give up your belief that the main meeting begins at the stated time of the start and finishes well after the final dismissal. The most important time in which you can even start to fulfill your role to “one another” is before and after the meeting. You are late if you are not 15 minutes early and you are leaving early if you leave the building sooner that 15 minutes after the meeting is dismissed. I know I said that before but it bears repeating because so few experience its importance and blessing.

When you arrive (at least 15 minutes before starting time) it isn’t time for you to catch a seat by yourself; it isn’t time for you to meditate; it is time to take initiative to talk to someone. You can’t meditate to one another. Actually, there is no command in the New Testament to meditate in the sense we think of it and especially not before a meeting. So, when you enter the auditorium or sanctuary sit beside someone—preferably someone you do not know. You can start with, “Do you mind if I sit here?” Strike up a conversation. If they don’t want to talk that is just fine; if you don’t test their willingness to talk it is not fine. If perchance your church has a “be quiet in the library” kind of unwritten rule, then by all means find a way to stay quiet in the meeting space but that doesn’t apply to the parking lot and probably not to the halls and lobby space.

All I am asking here is for you to begin a conversation with somebody. Soon enough I am going to ask you to move forward and start a conversation with someone you haven’t met before or who you do not know well. I won’t ask you to become best friends with everyone but make no mistake about it, your next new best friend is someone you haven’t talked to yet.

Soon enough we will get to talking about those people who are strangers to you. Some of those strangers are new to your church. If every regular attender talks to someone beside them then it is impossible for a newcomer to slip in and out unnoticed.

32.

I Am Learning Simple Techniques

As I write today I feel the hesitancy of some readers. Maybe you are one of them. You might be asking yourself, “Can I really do this?” Or, “Is this really easy enough for me?” To figure out where you are on all this I want you to consider your need.

Are you too lazy to put these concepts into action? Frankly, some are. If you are too slow, scattered or lazy to get to church on time you can’t blame it on your personality type or your circumstances. You won’t talk to strangers if you aren’t there to meet them in the first place. Some people aren’t willing to change their Sunday sleep in pattern because they like late Saturday nights. Lazy. If this is you, about all I can do is attempt to kick your backside because that is what you need. It will hurt less if you give yourself a swift kick.

Are you too fearful to put these concepts into action? Many fall into this category. If this is you, you need someone to be your encourager. I recommend that you find the older person in your church family who is known to be a person of prayer. We use the term “prayer warrior” because it is a battle. A prayer warrior knows how to fight off the natural moods created by brain chemistry and distractions and fight their prayers into the throne room. You can find someone who will fight for you and with you. Once you have identified that person, tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them how you want the Lord to do an extreme makeover in you so that you conquer your fears. Ask your prayer partner to pray for you. Promise to report back on your progress or lack of it. If you can’t think of an older prayer partner right now, ask the Lord to bring that person into your life.

Are you too weak to even try to put these concepts into action? You especially need to have someone who will help you. The kind of help you need is written in this book but these concepts won’t go far enough for you until you have a helper.

Notice how the previous three kinds of people or people in three different phases are referred to in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 “And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

The best way for you to learn almost any skill is to start by watching someone else perform that skill. What we are talking about here is a skill. Find someone who is better than you at this and shadow them. Stand beside them; look over their shoulder; observe from across the room. Watch. Listen. Remember. You will notice that they don’t always get anywhere either but they are different than those who give up. They shake off the perceived failures and keep going. They don’t dwell on awkward moments—we all have them. They don’t quit. Watch how they keep going and imagine yourself doing the same. You don’t have to say a word to do this step.

Afterwards ask for your friend to debrief you on their impressions of how it went. Discuss the good and the bad with them. Be curious and ask them why they knew they could move from mouth-to-mouth and go deeper. Figure out what you need to figure out. Then imagine yourself conducting a similar conversation. This is really important. You have to begin imagining yourself in conversation before you will ever have the nerve to start one. It may take weeks or months in this shadowing and reflecting phase to get yourself to the place where you are ready to go on your own. But always keep in mind that the objective is for you to move on and become independent at this.

The next phase is to ask your partner to lay back while you start conversations. I will tell you right now, this could be excruciating for both of you the first time you try. Because you are nervous you will likely sound nervous. You might have a quiver in your voice. You might speak too loudly. Your body is not going to like this—you are going to experience stress reactions. Just Google “physical stress reactions” to find out what to expect. And never forget, Satan is not going to like this either. You can always be sure that your friend is there to bail you out if your boat starts to sink because you run out of things to say. Afterwards ask your friend to reflect on how you did. Learn. Discuss. Role play with your partner by getting them to pretend they are the stranger you are meeting for the first time. Ask your partner to go easy on you at first. Then redo the conversation starting the same way and ask them to make it more difficult. Keep going with repetitions covering various possible reactions. You will get better and better as you go along if you want to.

I have said this before. You have to be bad at something before you get good at it. The ability to converse properly isn’t something you were born with; it is a learned skill. More importantly, the ability to minister to people by normal conversation is also a skill to be learned. Please remember, I am not talking about how to deliver a sermonette to someone in the church lobby. Please don’t try to be spiritual. You will be more spiritual if you heart is full of the Word of God but your mouth speaks in the terms of your local culture with words people normally use outside of church.

Then the day will come when someone thinks you are natural at this. You will then have the opportunity to have someone shadow you. And you will have your own set of stories to tell about how it was for you at the beginning. They will find it hard to believe and claim you have a gift. Maybe. But maybe they do too and it is just undeveloped. Forget the gift idea. If the Bible commands something of every believer, then it follows that the Lord will empower every believer to do it. It isn’t about being gifted; it is about how long you practice.

33.

I Have a Check List

It is not all about you and that is why it is all about you! It is not about your desires, wishes and patterns. It is about you being the person the Lord has called you to be. I know a few church elders who were pleased when they were going off the board so they didn’t have to arrive 15 minutes early any more. That still gobsmacks me! It leads me to wonder what is really going on in their hearts.

This is all about what is in your heart, not your rule book. If you are now convinced that what we have been talking about is an unexposed difficulty in your church, then I expect you can find it in your heart to do your part to fix it. It won’t get fixed if you drop your guard the moment you are no longer expected to be on duty.

You must build your own check list or you will forget. When you leave your house, you make sure you follow a routine. Have you got your wallet, keys and rain coat? Did you let the cat out, the dog in and feed the fish? Did you turn out the lights? Did you lock the door? Your personal checklist is very real but probably not written down.

Since we are talking about changing your behavior into a new pattern you need a watch dog. You are like a child. Did you go to the toilet? Did you wash your hands? Do you have your homework? Did you put your dirty clothes in the laundry? Did you brush your teeth? You know with a child the answer to one of your questions will be “I forgot.” And as often as not the child didn’t really forget; they just hoped you would forget to check. A child is immature until they internalize all the standards. I certainly hope you don’t have to ask your teenager if they brushed their teeth. But you might still have to ask about the homework.

I am not your parent. So I have no plan to ride in the minivan with you. I do plan to give you some tips if you are really serious about making a difference.

One study took a group of people who wanted to complete particular tasks and divided them into five groups. The results were remarkable. I believe you can apply this knowledge to your check list.

Group #1: Thought About It

Group #2: Wrote It Out

Group #3. Formulated Action Plans

Group #4: Declared the Plan to a Friend

Group #5: Sent Weekly Reports to the Friend

I expect you can imagine there is improvement from one group to the next. But can you predict the results? First of all let me tell you that Group #1 did well. If all you do is think that is good. But why wouldn’t you take the next steps if they would show further improvement?

Group #2 did 42% better than Group #1. So, having invested this much time why not write out your plan?

Group #3 did 19% better than Group #1. So, why wouldn’t you write out specific action steps?

Group #4 did 50% better than Group #3. So, why wouldn’t you find a partner to share your plan with?

Group #5 did 78% better than Group #4. So, do you see how amazing the results will be when you have a plan and report with a friend?

How much better will this be if you have a friend you share this book with over the next 30 weeks and take one chapter a week to discuss it with!

It is really up to you, isn’t it?

To help you a little with your check list start with the following ideas.

Continue learning. Google things that are related to this subject. “How to master small talk”, “How to overcome fear of talking to strangers”, “How to make new friend.” You don’t need to see another cat video.

Pray about your new pattern. The Lord is your best friend who is the friend of the next sinner. Pray about your own weekly routine and discipline.

Plan your Saturday preparations. A good Sunday starts on Saturday,

Practice out loud. Well at least whisper your new best approaches into the bathroom mirror.

Get to church on time. Don’t let anything keep you away or late. Start your ramp up routine on Saturday.

Do a check up from the neck up. You can make a difference by giving yourself a talking to when you need it.

Talk to your friend you chose as a partner about this. Enjoy your mutual victories. Set your defeats aside.

Keep notes. Review your notes. Write a journal about your experiences regularly every week. If you need to get a new Moleskine notebook for this because you like the feel of the leather, then do it! Set aside a special place and time every week to keep yourself on track.

Teach others what you are learning and multiply your impact.

You must give this a solid work out for at least three months before you start to see results in others. You will see results in your own heart immediately because, “The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and the one who is wise saves lives.” (Proverbs 11:30)

Once you complete your disciplined plan for a few months it will become part of you. Others will start to notice. If you teach them others will start to follow your lead.

34.

I Can Imagine

I can imagine a church that is so friendly it seems almost other worldly. I can imagine your church becoming that church. Probably your church is already friendly enough with your friends—not that things couldn’t improve. You can become exceptional. Some settle for “normal” as in “we are about as good as every other church.” I say you should rather use the word “typical” and attempt to become “exceptional.”

My guess is that your church is like virtually every church I have attended. If I go incognito and act a bit shy I get a piece of paper and a nice handshake at the door. Out of the corner of my eye I often see someone looking at me as if they are wondering whether they should approach. They seldom do. Then occasionally there is a person who attacks me like a seagull on a dropped French fry. When Wendy and I attend together we get a different reaction. Sometimes I feel like a few are drooling over the fresh meat in the room but even then, they seldom actually talk to us. Of course, I am guessing about what the internal thought process is for the others. But then, so does every other stranger walking into your church.

I can imagine you (personally) being the example that others follow to be truly friendly. When you (collectively) care to meet the need of the other person and not fill your pews and coffers, you will be that people who others can follow. I can imagine you finding a new zone of blessing you never knew was there.

I recall one good friend who had some Bible College training who took some of this to heart. She is still shy but she learned to put her antennae up and notice. She also started inviting people to church for the first time in her life. I remember the day when I met her on the stairs of the church and she said to me, “Gary I don’t know what has become of me; you turned me into an inviting monster!” Actually, she is as gentle as could be. But she is now blessed every week in ways that her decades of church experience never gave her. She is now sought out as a mentor by many women. She told me that one day she was so blessed she pumped up the Christian tunes in her SUV and rolled down the windows singing at the top of her lungs. She no longer cares who hears; she is so blessed. And you too can have such blessing. I can imagine it.

It doesn’t matter how strong the preaching is if the preacher is doing their best. It doesn’t matter how good the music is if your church is working at it and everyone sings out to cover the goof ups! Nothing much matters if your church is characterized by sincere people without selfish agendas who each do their part.

It does matter how much these people don’t worry about the “somethings” and take great care for the “someones.” I can imagine your church becoming a signature of Christian love in your community.

To put it another way, there is a cart and horse relationship between the “tasks” that need to get done and the “people” who need to get done (sanctified). If you think that excellence in task management must steam roll over relationships, you won’t take much of this to heart. But if you, like I, believe that relationships must come first and that completing tasks together is one great way to build relationships, then we are listening to the same tune as the “relationship horse” pulls the “task cart.” Don’t look for professionals to lead your tasks; look for people who are better at relationships to lead. No. Better, don’t look for the air lift of people from the outside to fix your cart; raise them up. Slow. Steady. Small. Over time your “horse” will pull your “cart” farther and faster than you ever dreamed.

When you are the most natural welcoming church who wouldn’t want to participate? When your church truly takes care of the stranger in your midst others will see how it works.

We covered many concepts of church life at the beginning of this book. When your church in large measure exhibits these characteristics, it will give you courage. Over time you will see momentum as you look back. Momentum is seldom recognized looking forward because everything ahead of you will have a good dose of struggle.

The church is a body that is strongest when the lowliest member does its part. The church that prospers is normally not the one with the superstars on the platform; it is the one with the greater proportion of participants who know how to talk to strangers in church. When you talk to strangers you make friends. When your church is friendly it draws out the strengths of others to serve and participate. When more participate, the blessings rise.

The soul is shy and will only open up and participate to the degree people see themselves in a safe place that is built on a circle of trust and love. Everyone is a shy soul and fears one more hurt. The idea of being put down or put aside again is a pain few feel they can bear—especially alone. The shy soul needs to believe that whether they succeed or fail their contribution will be respected, accepted and appreciated.

Back in the day when we were starting a church we had an elderly couple well up in their 90s join us. I still remember how seriously they took their role of folding bulletins each week. Every fold was crooked. Every fold was accepted. No folds were straightened unless of the course the obsessive-compulsive recipient chose to straighten their own. Those charter members were respected, accepted and appreciated for what they could do. Their job was never in jeopardy.

Paul teaches us to “carry each other’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) People need to know that whether they fail or succeed they will be supported. It is the trying that is the success.

I can imagine a minority of your church people could “get” this. You will always hope for 100%. Not gonna happen. But you personally can be a 1%er who spreads the example and moves the needle to 2%. Can you imagine that with me? I can imagine the church getting to 10%. Can you? I can, in faith, imagine your church getting to 25% over time. That will rock your world!

I can imagine your church becoming that exceptional church of which people say, “They really know how to talk to strangers.” Can you?

About the Author

Gary V Carter

Gary is variously known as a Ministry Imagineer / Engineer, a Life Coach, a Pastor, a Church Starting Specialist, a Church Health Consultant, a Writer and Publisher. In all those roles people often comment on his abiding passion for ministry. Those are some of his various vocational dimensions but he is also a husband to Wendy, father and grandfather. Gary’s ministry life now spans over four decades. And he still stays fresh and more energized than many who are just starting!

Contact Gary at 905-601-2110 or gary@garyvcarter.com or at Skype: garyvcarter for a complementary coaching session on any ministry area where you have a need. There is no obligation but perhaps we have a match for some future ministry.

Copyright © 2016 by Kainos Enterprises

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All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.